Things I Love

Black marble composition books.  I own boxes full of them, and they’re pretty much all empty.  There’s something nostalgic about these things.  I was forced to write “journal entries” in these during Sunday School when I was little.  I remember quite clearly answering a prompt about Moses with a longwinded answer about Moses Malone.  I was a smartass even then.

These things also symbolize hope for me.  100 sheets; 200 pages.  Blank and ready for me to fill them with my amazing ideas (or poop jokes).  Any time I see them available in a store, I buy at least one.  I never write anything in them.  I have boxes full of the things.  I love them more than anything.

Also pictured:  Star Wars bedsheets.  These date back to the Special Edition days, so there’s not a Ben Quadrinaros or Count Dooku in sight.  This is the way it should be.

Reviews are coming in for early episodes of the Star Wars:  Clone Wars cartoon, and they’re overwhelmingly positive.  Star Wars has been a pasttime for me since birth, and a bit of an obsession for me since about 1997.  I’ve read the books that tell you the backstories of all those stupid puppet aliens in the Cantina.  I amassed thousands of dollars worth of toys (which I am now selling for far less than their current market value, plug plug).  It’s good to have something Warsy to be excited about again.

I guess it’s good to have anything to be excited about.  For the last few years, I’ve been seperating my “blog life” from my personal life (for the most part).  When I stopped personal-blogging, I think I stopped personal-living as well.  I holed up in my iPod and my personal computer, attempting to one-up my own silly jokes for a readership of three people.  I hid myself away; developed a fashionable eating disorder; lost contact with my closest friends; and generally stopped feeling anything at all.  I used to think people that said, “I don’t feel anything anymore” were full of James Dean bullshit, but then I stopped feeling things.

Last night I went out to dinner with my family.  We went to Italian Delight in Linglestown, PA.  My parents have been pretty regular customers since they discovered the place, and I’ve been there a few times.  It’s a nicer sit-down establishment than a lot of pizzerias (such as Tonino’s, my favorite Harrisburg slice joint).  The restaurant recently changed ownership apparently, and the pizza recipe appears to have changed (for the worse, but it’s still decent).  I had the grilled chicken salad.  Romaine lettuce, tomatoes, croutons, pickles, black olives, peppers, and enough chicken to make you feel like you’re getting your eight dollars’ worth.  It was nice to have an evening with just my parents.

Tonight I went for an hour’s walk and grabbed a coffee from Starbucks.  I’m not particularly fond of their new Pike’s Place blend, but it’s a hot drink and I like the store’s atmosphere.  Maybe I could fill more composition books if I became cliche and sat around Starbucks.  Or at the very least I’d start wearing scarves and ill-fitting black sweaters.

Keep your eye on Ugly Movies for the latest reviews.  I’ve been adding movies as I see them, and also crazy amounts of older movies.  I saw The Incredible Hulk tonight, which was super-fun popcorn viewing.

Coming next week:  The Dark Knight, which promises to be the movie of the summer.  Also, The X-Files:  I Want to Believe, which excites me more for some reason (possibly because I am retarded).

What else is there in life?  My girlfriend’s name is Rachel.  We recently had a rough go of things, but we’re working hard.  These things take effort, right?

I’ve been without a car since early May, but that will soon be remedied.  I’m getting a 2008 Honda Civic Hybrid in the next couple weeks.  I could wave my fanny in the air and talk about “blah blah blah emissions” and “save the earth fiddle dee dee,” but really I am buying this car for the superior gas mileage.  I do most of my selfless things for selfish reasons (and, oddly enough, vice versa).

It’s Saturday night, and I’m relaxing and blogging.  I think it’s time to start filling up some composition books.

Sweet and Sweetener

toothpastefordinner.com

Aspartame done effed me up.

For a while I was–with the exception of a diet soda every day–eating “naturally.” I wasn’t ingesting any of those silly chemicals. My diet consisted solely of fresh fruits and vegetables, lean meats, and dry cereals.

So when I jumped back on the “artificially sweetened candy” train, I wasn’t expecting what I got. I’ve been doing about seven sticks of “Extra” sugar-free gum daily to get myself through work. It may not seem like a lot–35 calories, but those chemicals do something special to you.

To put it lightly, Intense, daily gastrointestinal distress. Like, you have to hightail it to the bathroom or you’re done for! Thanks to freaking delicious bubble gum, I broke my streak of “No Twosies in Public Restrooms” for the first time in five years.

I used to say “p’shaw” to the clowns that talk smack on my good friend the calorie-free sweetener. I’ve seen the error of my ways, and it’s manifest in the error lingering around the bathroom.

At the moment, this is just aspartame. I haven’t noticed any detrimental effects with Splenda (and I consume a lot of it), but I wouldn’t be surprised if Splenda winds up turning my ears into butts that poop other, smaller butts onto the shoulders of my friends. Or something.

Meat George Jetson

This is not a post discussing the merits of designing a life-sized cartoon character out of animal flesh.

This is a post about my falling-out with vegetarianism.

When I was dieting, I cut meat out of my diet entirely. It wasn’t out of any particular sociopolitical agenda, nor was it by the design of some radical “eating animals is wrong” mindset. Eating animals isn’t, I don’t think, particularly wrong. We have the enzymes. We have the teeth for it. It’s naive for humans to think that, as animals, we are “above” the idea of eating another animal’s flesh. Food chain, blahblah, etc.

We kinda sorta treat our food like crap, but that’s another story for another day.

I stopped eating meat because I was trying to cut fat out of my diet entirely. It worked for the most part. There were days that the very few grams of fat I received came from a Boca Burger here or there, and nothing else.

In my attempts to begin a healthier lifestyle of late, I did some research. Fat is an important part of a balanced diet. We should be getting anywhere between twenty and thirty-five percent of our calories from fat. This aids in insulation, healthy cell-function maintenance, and muscle-building, among other helpful bodily functions.

Oops. No wonder I’m always cold. I’ll just try to avoid saturated fats and trans-fats, thank you.

With that stumbling block out of the way, it was really only matter of time until I returned to an omnivorous lifestyle. The eventual cracking point was at Applebee’s Neighborhood Bar and Grill.

I am a seasoned calorie-counter. Caloriecount is my Bible. When I saw that Applebee’s had a “Weight Watchers” menu that included specific caloric/fat information, I was ecstatic. I wouldn’t have to nurse a Diet Coke until it was time to go home and nuke up some veggies.

With the exception of cake and onion soup (I was on a date, so onion soup was out of the question, natch), all of the Weight Watchers options were full of meat. Glorious meat!

I decided to go with the Italian Chicken and Portabello Sandwich (pictured above in all of its grainy, dark, cell-phoney glory).  Applebee’s calls it “Grilled, marinated chicken breast topped with sliced portobello mushrooms, a slice of tomato and chunky marinara sauce. Served on a wheat bun along with fresh fruit.”   I did not receive the promised chunky marinara sauce, and the mushrooms were flavorless at best.  As for the first taste of meat I’d had in over three years?  What kind of culinary pleasure did I experience on my grand reentry into the world of the societal norm?

Eh.  Tasted like chicken.

I may eat meat a few times a week at most.  Look forward to more vegetarian recipes and whatnot, simply because they tend to be more flavorful and healthful, and therefore worth more of my time.

Soulja Soy

For a few years now, I’ve been hearing nothing but trash-talk about soy–that it is not a “complete” source of protein; that it is no longer seen as “heart-healthy;” that it is full of phytoestrogens.  What are phytoestrogens?  Will they make me grow boobies?

The misleadingly-named Testosterone Nation reports in defense of soy, and in the meantime explains the scientific basis for all of this phytoestrogen talk in words I can understand (like “cookie” and “momma”).  A pertinent chunk of the article:

[W]e want to be clear about one major, important thing. This section isn’t designed to promote soy protein supplementation. Not in the least.

However, it’s here to demonstrate that when used as part of a sensible training program and varied, calorie sufficient diet, soy protein acts much in the same way that other proteins might act. With increases in lean body mass, decreases in stress hormone responses to training, and improvements in performance.

The author concludes that, basically, soy is okay as long as you eat it in moderation.  Really, that’s the key to everything in a diet, which is all fine and good, but I was really looking forward to having my own pair of breasts to play with.

Mememmeme

I was not tagged for this meme! Instead, I stole it unceremoniously from one of the three hundred food blogs I read, iheartfood4thought.

It is like a MySpace vanity survey, except I have invited it into my food-related house and OH SCREW IT this is a MySpace vanity bulletin.

On Culinary Arts…
Q. What is your salad dressing of choice?
A. Nothing. If I want to eat veggies, I’d like to taste the veggies. In a pinch (such as particularly rancid lettuce), a quick squirt of white-trash yellow mustard is the cure for what ails you.

Q. What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
A. Back when I ate meat, the answer would unequivocally be Wendy’s. Their beef tastes like actual meat, which is in turn enhanced by the condiments. McDonald’s is too much like a condiment sandwich, and Burger King’s Whomperoo tastes like a bottle of liquid smoke. Nowadays, I am a connoisseur of Taco Bell, which surprisingly offers a fairly healthy option that tastes good–Pintos n’ Cheese.

Q. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
A. Red Robin offers a Gardenburger (which criminally costs $7.99, the approximate cost of 2.5 boxes of the same damn thing). More importantly, they offer a fairly comprehensive burger customizer which offers nutritional information based on your selection from a wide variety of rolls, condiments, cheeses, and sides.

Q. On average how much of a tip do you leave at a restaurant?
A. 20% is my bare minimum. I’ve been known to tip 100% for exceptional service and 50% for more-than-adequate. I also have a special form of white-guilt that springs from ordering nothing but coffee. In turn, I will generally pay the price of an average meal for a cuppa.

Q. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
A. This is a bit of a loaded question because I ate the same food every day for nearly three years. If I had to choose my absolute favorite from those days, it would probably be the vegan Boca Burger. You can eat it plain and bland (a personal favorite). Crumble it into any random, lazy-ass recipe. Use it as a vessel for sauerkraut or delicious, delicious mustard.

Q. What are your pizza toppings of choice?
A. I don’t need clutter in my life. Plain ol’ cheese. Doesn’t matter whether it’s a classic Margherita or a big, floppy, greasy triangle of dough, sauce, and cheese from a local pizzeria. The old adage remains true; keep it simple, slutface.

Q. What do you like to put on your toast?
A. Bread is a nonentity in my life.

On Technology…

Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer?
A. Marshmallow Peeps lollipop.

Q. How many televisions are in your house?
A. Embarrassingly enough, at least seven.

Q. What kind of cell phone do you have?
A. LG

On Biology…
Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
A. Right-handed.

Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
A. Nothing that didn’t start its life outside my body.

Q. What is the last heavy item you lifted?
A. Groceries–Kashi GoLean, broccoflower, canned tomatoes (diced and stewed varieties), zucchini, eggplant, sugar-free gelatin, Jones Soda, ricotta cheese, and tofu.

Q. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
A. I had a fairly serious bicycle accident almost two years ago. Without the helmet, I would have most assuredly been kaput. Otherwise, I just cracked my head open but-good and concussed myself in the process.

On Psychology…
Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
A. If it were possible, I would choose my deathday.

Q. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
A. Cornelius “Spoodles” McGoof

Q. what color looks good on you?
A. Black and brown

Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?
A. No, but I’ve surely swallowed non-food items on purpose to amuse friends and emergency-room-doctors alike!

Q. Have you ever saved someones life?
A. I save hundreds of lives a day simply by driving on the correct side of the road.

Q. Has someone ever saved yours?
A. I can name a few friends that have almost ended my life, but I don’t believe they saved it.

Truth or Dare (or a Bribe)…

Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
A. A hundred dollars? I would kiss the wiener of a member of the same sex for a hundred dollars.

Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
A. Yes. Yes I would.

Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000?
A. For fifty thousand easy dollars I would throw my computer out the window.

Q. Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
A. I came damn close to posing nude in college just to have a story to tell.

Q. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
A. I probably have already done this merely to amuse my miscreant friends. It couldn’t be any more difficult than eating a bowl full of jalapeños.

Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
A. This I would not do. I’ll inflict any manner of pain, torture, punishment, or fruit-pie upon myself, but when it comes to harming another living being that doesn’t have chlorophyll running through its veins, that’s a big N.O.

On random stuff…
Q: What is in your left pocket?
A. Who says I am wearing pants?

Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
A. Napoleon Dynamite is an entertaining movie with an irritating fan-following, much like Borat, The Boondock Saints, and Dirty Dancing: Havanna Nights .

Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
A. Throw-rugs over what I’d imagine to be dirt floors.

Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower?
A. I squat.

Q: Could you live with roommates?
A. The realist in me says, “Yes.” The socially-retarded blogger in me says, “Not on your life, Froderick.”

Q: How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
A. I own one pair of well-worn size-18 flip flops, which will never be replaced due to the relative rarity of their size.

Q: Last time you had a run-in with the cops
A. I am a friend of the law. My natural look of fear and respectful awe keeps the po’ on my side.

Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?
A. A palindrome.

Q: Last person who called you?
A. My lovely girlfriend, Rachel.

Q: Person you hugged?
A. My lovely mother, Mom.

On Favorites…
Q: Number?
A. 19.

Q: Season?
A. Summer.

Q: Holiday?
A. Halloween.

Q: Day of the week:
A. Thursday, simply because I base my enjoyment of life on television.

Q: Month?
A. July.

Current Events…
Q: Missing someone?
A. Somewhere in the past twenty questions, this food survey has taken a turn for the lamer.

Q: Mood?
A. Hungry.

Q: Listening to?
A. Food Network

Q: Watching?
A. Iron Chef: America.

Q: Worrying about?
A: Blogs and/or frogs.

In conclusion…
Q: First place you went this morning?
A. The terlet.

Q: What can you not wait to do?
A. Discover some new food that fits my obsessive lifestyle.

Q:What’s the last movie you saw?
A. Horton Hears a Who, which was surprisingly good. Jim Carrey has officially Robin-Williams-ed himself out. He is no longer entertaining when he is trying to be funny. However, Steve Carell, a decent adaptation, and an as-respectful-as-possible animation style make this a worthwhile venture.

Q: Do you smile often?
A. Whoever says “it is easier to smile” has never frowned their whole lives. The smiling, it hurts my face.

Q: Are you a friendly person?
A. I’m barely a person.

Will you teach me about this…what is it? A new way?

Welp.

For two-and-a-half years, I ate the same thing every day: Kashi GoLean, Wheaties, apples, Lite & Fit yogurt, Boca vegan burgers, broccoli, and protein shakes. I lost 120 pounds. I was maintaining with 1800 calories at about 180 pounds.

Two weeks ago, I added variety into my diet. I’ve upped my calories to 2000. I’ve actually managed to drop to 175 pounds since then, which is confusing and strange but not entirely unwelcome, I suppose. As long as people don’t tell me I look like a holocaust survivor or a cancer patient (again), I’ll be a-okay.

This journal entry isn’t about that anyway. It is about food! Glorious food!

It seems to me like I’m falling into the same ol’ obsessive-compulsive habits. I’ve introduced variety, but now I’m using the same staples every day. Rehydrated pinto beans. Fat-free cottage cheese. Egg whites. Frozen veggies. In fact, it seems like the only real variety I get is in my indulgence of the day–a serving of candy. Today it is green Marshmallow Peeps bunnies. Yesterday was 70% dark chocolate w/ raspberries from Endangered Species.

One of my biggest problems is laziness. There’s gotta be a calorie label on it. And why mix ingredients together into so-called “recipes?” I don’t want to have to figure out the calorie information for recipes. That’s silly. So I’ll eat my beans microwaved with some hot sauce. And my veggies will go unseasoned. Vive le freak!

That was more of a ramble than anything. I’m sure as I get back into writing, I will retain some of that “linear structure” that I learned so much about as an English major in college.

In conclusion, eating is a thing of great contrast. I hope you enjoyed my essay as much as I enjoyed stopping it.

Ugly Food For an Ugly Dude

If you’ve been reading my silly blogs, you’ll know the following:

In April of 2005 I weighed 300 pounds. By November I had dropped to 170. I had done it in a completely unhealthy way.

As a result, I ate the same exact thing EVERY DAY from November 2005 to February 2008 to avoid depriving myself of nutrients and calories ever again.

But not anymore. Oh, heavens no! I’m trying to introduce healthy variety so I can be happy (or at least so that my brain doesn’t explode).

Here’s some pictures of weird (and normal) foods I’ve been eating.
Kashi GoLean/Wheaties combo

Egg-white omelet w/ broccoli and Boca “meat”

Egg-white/chili powder omelet wrap (sealed w/ white-trash mustard) w/ dried asian pear

Panda-brand Licorice

Numbers

Rabbits have a life expectancy of 5 to 15 years. Rats are expected to live from 2 to 3 years before they die of old age. These animals are domesticated, kept in the safest of conditions; they have doctors that specialize in animal care; they are sustained by diets that are specifically tailored to the needs of their respective species. Still, they are given this margin or error. In the best of conditions and completely unaffected by disease, these animals can be cut down to as little as 33% of their lives through a process of random biological error.

Humans–of the American variety–have a life expectancy of 77 years. That’s an average. About 1/2 of us will die before we hit 77. Given the margin of error in our pets’ lives, we can postulate that natural causes can take us at any time. 33% of 77 is 25. 25 is less than 3 years away for me.

We generally take better care of pets than we do ourselves.

When I was in grades 1 through 12, I would come home from school and eat nonstop until bedtime. Unfathomable slabs of cheese. 1/2 a box of crackers. Snack cakes, 3 or 4 packs at a time. Slim Jims by the canister. The evidence–wrappers and such–all got hidden in various couch crevices and secret bedroom spots. By my 2nd year of college, I weighed over 300 pounds.

Then I decided to lose weight. The 1st step was to stop snacking between meals. Then I cut out meat. Started eating healthy. Exercising–going more than 5 miles a day. Then it got worse. I was down to 1200 calories a day. 1100. 1000. My 1st semester of my 3rd year in college, I ate between 800 and 900 calories a day. I dropped down to 170 pounds. That was a loss of 130 pounds in 5 months.

After some moderate intervention, I am on a healthy track. I eat approximately 2100 calories a day. In order to assure myself that I am getting the proper nutrition, I eat the same thing every day, and I have for the past 2 years. Scattered throughout the day, I eat 2 cups of Kashi GoLean cereal, 2 cups of Wheaties, 7 apples, 2 bags of frozen broccoli, 2 vegan Boca Burgers, 4 cups of yogurt, 1 protein shake, and 1 serving of fat-free candy. I also drink 7 bottles of water. I supplement my diet with 1 multivitamin and 1 B-complex.

It may not be the healthiest thing to lack variety, but it’s better than starving myself or gorging myself. I would say that I now consume a healthy, balanced diet. Kind of like the stuff you’d find in a pet’s bowl–all the kibbles and all the bits.

Of my prior 22 years on earth, I have done surprisingly little.

Did 1 thing I can say I am really proud of.
Did 5 things that, after years of reflection, I genuinely regret to this day.
Worked at 2 jobs.
Been in 1 country.
Dated 1 person for 4 months (nonconsecutive).
Been on 3 dates otherwise.
Published 0 poems.
Published 0 pieces of fiction.

Given the significant wear and tear that my body suffered for the 1st 21 years of my life, it’s safe to say that I will not be among the 50% that make it to 77 years of age. If change hasn’t suited me for the better, I may only make it to 33%. That’s 25 years of age. 790 days. November 6, 2009.

But who’s counting?

Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers: keep your hands off my package

The other day I was in the housewares section at Wal-Mart and I saw something fairly weird. Not surprising, because it’s Wal Mart and chances are good that you’ll see four hick-weddings and a funeral when you walk down those aisles at the right time.

Honestly, Wal-Mart is like flypaper. You’re going to find the same toothless, drawling oafs in a Maine Wal-Mart as you would in a Tennessee one. There must be a particular retail pheromone present that attracts people who constantly smell like their own sister’s minge.

That’s not to say that everyone who shops at Wal-Mart wears straw-hats on Saturdays. Heck, I shop there, and I’m normal. Right? However, much like the relationship between rectangles and squares: not every Wal-Mart shopper is a hayseed, but every hayseed is a Wal-Mart shopper.

Back to the point of this post, which really has very little to do with clientele and everything to do with decorum. A certain yokel was looking at a blender, and I saw her remove the tape, open the flaps on the box, and inspect the product–I’d assume for breakage. I briefly considered giving this lady the stink-eye, but then I had a brief Vietnam flashback to my childhood, where I vaguely remember one of my parents doing this.

So the question is on you: is opening a package a violation of the sanctity of a product, or is it merely another helpful tool in the shopper’s arsenal?