Kashi Granola – Mountain Medley

I love Kashi. I can attribute a great deal of my 130-lb. weight loss to their GoLean and GoLean Crunch cereals. They manage to make tasty cereals that are packed with essentials (protein, fiber, whathaveyou). For my three-plus years as a vegetarian, they were one of my favorite protein sources. Additionally, their instant oatmeal is the best instant I’ve ever eaten.

Oooh la la! I received a package in the mail from Kashi recently. I’d like to revel in the fact that I receive free review samples from companies due to my super-popular Internet web site, but really I just signed up for their mailing list a few years ago.

The Package asks: “Ready to get off your rump?”

I reply: “No.”

The paper inside the box confuses things even more: STEP 1: Eat Granola. STEP 2: Get off your rump.

Using this handy chart, it is now possible to see how one can “get off of their rump” the Kashi way!

Using this even-handier chart, it is possible to see how one can “get off of their rump” and cut out that pesky, delicious middle man!

In the end, though, I did decide to get off my rump. A week later, I took Kashi Mountain Medley Granola where it was destined to be consumed–an overnight on a local stretch of the Appalachian Trail with my friends Brad and Tom.

Kashi Mountain Medley Granola is okay. Don’t get me wrong–in a lot of cases, granola is granola and that is that. Mountain Medley is a quarter-step above your run-of-the-mill granola. The raisins and c’raisins are plentiful and the grains are as tasty as the rest of Kashi’s oeuvre. I guess maybe I’m just spoiled by the goodness that was Dingeldein Bakery’s homemade granola, which is some of the finest I’ve ever sampled.

According to Kashi’s official web page, there are three other varieties of Kashi granola–Cocoa Beach, Orchard Spice, and Summer Berry. The Orchard Spice (mixed with apples and pecans) sounds exquisite, and I’ll probably pick up a box sometime to taste.

Fresh granola–especially at exorbitant bakeries–comes at a price. Kashi’s is the best off-the-shelf granola I’ve had. If you are looking for a slightly-more-economical substitute in your granola life and you don’t have time to make your own, Kashi Mountain Medley is where it’s at. I’ve got two turn tables and a microphone.

Here are some pictographs of the gorgeous scenery I encountered.

Mememmeme

I was not tagged for this meme! Instead, I stole it unceremoniously from one of the three hundred food blogs I read, iheartfood4thought.

It is like a MySpace vanity survey, except I have invited it into my food-related house and OH SCREW IT this is a MySpace vanity bulletin.

On Culinary Arts…
Q. What is your salad dressing of choice?
A. Nothing. If I want to eat veggies, I’d like to taste the veggies. In a pinch (such as particularly rancid lettuce), a quick squirt of white-trash yellow mustard is the cure for what ails you.

Q. What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
A. Back when I ate meat, the answer would unequivocally be Wendy’s. Their beef tastes like actual meat, which is in turn enhanced by the condiments. McDonald’s is too much like a condiment sandwich, and Burger King’s Whomperoo tastes like a bottle of liquid smoke. Nowadays, I am a connoisseur of Taco Bell, which surprisingly offers a fairly healthy option that tastes good–Pintos n’ Cheese.

Q. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
A. Red Robin offers a Gardenburger (which criminally costs $7.99, the approximate cost of 2.5 boxes of the same damn thing). More importantly, they offer a fairly comprehensive burger customizer which offers nutritional information based on your selection from a wide variety of rolls, condiments, cheeses, and sides.

Q. On average how much of a tip do you leave at a restaurant?
A. 20% is my bare minimum. I’ve been known to tip 100% for exceptional service and 50% for more-than-adequate. I also have a special form of white-guilt that springs from ordering nothing but coffee. In turn, I will generally pay the price of an average meal for a cuppa.

Q. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
A. This is a bit of a loaded question because I ate the same food every day for nearly three years. If I had to choose my absolute favorite from those days, it would probably be the vegan Boca Burger. You can eat it plain and bland (a personal favorite). Crumble it into any random, lazy-ass recipe. Use it as a vessel for sauerkraut or delicious, delicious mustard.

Q. What are your pizza toppings of choice?
A. I don’t need clutter in my life. Plain ol’ cheese. Doesn’t matter whether it’s a classic Margherita or a big, floppy, greasy triangle of dough, sauce, and cheese from a local pizzeria. The old adage remains true; keep it simple, slutface.

Q. What do you like to put on your toast?
A. Bread is a nonentity in my life.

On Technology…

Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer?
A. Marshmallow Peeps lollipop.

Q. How many televisions are in your house?
A. Embarrassingly enough, at least seven.

Q. What kind of cell phone do you have?
A. LG

On Biology…
Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
A. Right-handed.

Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
A. Nothing that didn’t start its life outside my body.

Q. What is the last heavy item you lifted?
A. Groceries–Kashi GoLean, broccoflower, canned tomatoes (diced and stewed varieties), zucchini, eggplant, sugar-free gelatin, Jones Soda, ricotta cheese, and tofu.

Q. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
A. I had a fairly serious bicycle accident almost two years ago. Without the helmet, I would have most assuredly been kaput. Otherwise, I just cracked my head open but-good and concussed myself in the process.

On Psychology…
Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
A. If it were possible, I would choose my deathday.

Q. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
A. Cornelius “Spoodles” McGoof

Q. what color looks good on you?
A. Black and brown

Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?
A. No, but I’ve surely swallowed non-food items on purpose to amuse friends and emergency-room-doctors alike!

Q. Have you ever saved someones life?
A. I save hundreds of lives a day simply by driving on the correct side of the road.

Q. Has someone ever saved yours?
A. I can name a few friends that have almost ended my life, but I don’t believe they saved it.

Truth or Dare (or a Bribe)…

Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
A. A hundred dollars? I would kiss the wiener of a member of the same sex for a hundred dollars.

Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
A. Yes. Yes I would.

Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000?
A. For fifty thousand easy dollars I would throw my computer out the window.

Q. Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
A. I came damn close to posing nude in college just to have a story to tell.

Q. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
A. I probably have already done this merely to amuse my miscreant friends. It couldn’t be any more difficult than eating a bowl full of jalapeños.

Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
A. This I would not do. I’ll inflict any manner of pain, torture, punishment, or fruit-pie upon myself, but when it comes to harming another living being that doesn’t have chlorophyll running through its veins, that’s a big N.O.

On random stuff…
Q: What is in your left pocket?
A. Who says I am wearing pants?

Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
A. Napoleon Dynamite is an entertaining movie with an irritating fan-following, much like Borat, The Boondock Saints, and Dirty Dancing: Havanna Nights .

Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
A. Throw-rugs over what I’d imagine to be dirt floors.

Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower?
A. I squat.

Q: Could you live with roommates?
A. The realist in me says, “Yes.” The socially-retarded blogger in me says, “Not on your life, Froderick.”

Q: How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
A. I own one pair of well-worn size-18 flip flops, which will never be replaced due to the relative rarity of their size.

Q: Last time you had a run-in with the cops
A. I am a friend of the law. My natural look of fear and respectful awe keeps the po’ on my side.

Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?
A. A palindrome.

Q: Last person who called you?
A. My lovely girlfriend, Rachel.

Q: Person you hugged?
A. My lovely mother, Mom.

On Favorites…
Q: Number?
A. 19.

Q: Season?
A. Summer.

Q: Holiday?
A. Halloween.

Q: Day of the week:
A. Thursday, simply because I base my enjoyment of life on television.

Q: Month?
A. July.

Current Events…
Q: Missing someone?
A. Somewhere in the past twenty questions, this food survey has taken a turn for the lamer.

Q: Mood?
A. Hungry.

Q: Listening to?
A. Food Network

Q: Watching?
A. Iron Chef: America.

Q: Worrying about?
A: Blogs and/or frogs.

In conclusion…
Q: First place you went this morning?
A. The terlet.

Q: What can you not wait to do?
A. Discover some new food that fits my obsessive lifestyle.

Q:What’s the last movie you saw?
A. Horton Hears a Who, which was surprisingly good. Jim Carrey has officially Robin-Williams-ed himself out. He is no longer entertaining when he is trying to be funny. However, Steve Carell, a decent adaptation, and an as-respectful-as-possible animation style make this a worthwhile venture.

Q: Do you smile often?
A. Whoever says “it is easier to smile” has never frowned their whole lives. The smiling, it hurts my face.

Q: Are you a friendly person?
A. I’m barely a person.

Don’t eat the pictures

I have a tendancy of eating vicariously through my camera. As photography has become my A+ #1 hobby, and seeing as how this is my journal, I guess I will share some pictures that may make you drool!

(Fastnachts)

(Endangered Species 70% Dark Chocolate w/ Hazelnut Toffee)

(Green Marshmallow Peeps bunnies)

(Eggs, oranges, and Morningstar Farms sausage links)

(Marshmallow Peeps lollipop ring)

(Cadbury Creme Egg)

Egg white omelet on wrap, sealed with white-trash mustard

(Kashi GoLean mixed with Wheaties)

(Diet Pepsi)

(Boca Southwestern Breakfast Wrap)

(Pizza Hut)

(Valentine’s Day cakes)

(Endangered Species 70% Dark Chocolate with Espresso Beans)

(Mini Pizzas w/ vegetarian sausage, fresh fruit, and sugar-free Jell-O)

Will you teach me about this…what is it? A new way?

Welp.

For two-and-a-half years, I ate the same thing every day: Kashi GoLean, Wheaties, apples, Lite & Fit yogurt, Boca vegan burgers, broccoli, and protein shakes. I lost 120 pounds. I was maintaining with 1800 calories at about 180 pounds.

Two weeks ago, I added variety into my diet. I’ve upped my calories to 2000. I’ve actually managed to drop to 175 pounds since then, which is confusing and strange but not entirely unwelcome, I suppose. As long as people don’t tell me I look like a holocaust survivor or a cancer patient (again), I’ll be a-okay.

This journal entry isn’t about that anyway. It is about food! Glorious food!

It seems to me like I’m falling into the same ol’ obsessive-compulsive habits. I’ve introduced variety, but now I’m using the same staples every day. Rehydrated pinto beans. Fat-free cottage cheese. Egg whites. Frozen veggies. In fact, it seems like the only real variety I get is in my indulgence of the day–a serving of candy. Today it is green Marshmallow Peeps bunnies. Yesterday was 70% dark chocolate w/ raspberries from Endangered Species.

One of my biggest problems is laziness. There’s gotta be a calorie label on it. And why mix ingredients together into so-called “recipes?” I don’t want to have to figure out the calorie information for recipes. That’s silly. So I’ll eat my beans microwaved with some hot sauce. And my veggies will go unseasoned. Vive le freak!

That was more of a ramble than anything. I’m sure as I get back into writing, I will retain some of that “linear structure” that I learned so much about as an English major in college.

In conclusion, eating is a thing of great contrast. I hope you enjoyed my essay as much as I enjoyed stopping it.

Ugly Food For an Ugly Dude

If you’ve been reading my silly blogs, you’ll know the following:

In April of 2005 I weighed 300 pounds. By November I had dropped to 170. I had done it in a completely unhealthy way.

As a result, I ate the same exact thing EVERY DAY from November 2005 to February 2008 to avoid depriving myself of nutrients and calories ever again.

But not anymore. Oh, heavens no! I’m trying to introduce healthy variety so I can be happy (or at least so that my brain doesn’t explode).

Here’s some pictures of weird (and normal) foods I’ve been eating.
Kashi GoLean/Wheaties combo

Egg-white omelet w/ broccoli and Boca “meat”

Egg-white/chili powder omelet wrap (sealed w/ white-trash mustard) w/ dried asian pear

Panda-brand Licorice

Numbers

Rabbits have a life expectancy of 5 to 15 years. Rats are expected to live from 2 to 3 years before they die of old age. These animals are domesticated, kept in the safest of conditions; they have doctors that specialize in animal care; they are sustained by diets that are specifically tailored to the needs of their respective species. Still, they are given this margin or error. In the best of conditions and completely unaffected by disease, these animals can be cut down to as little as 33% of their lives through a process of random biological error.

Humans–of the American variety–have a life expectancy of 77 years. That’s an average. About 1/2 of us will die before we hit 77. Given the margin of error in our pets’ lives, we can postulate that natural causes can take us at any time. 33% of 77 is 25. 25 is less than 3 years away for me.

We generally take better care of pets than we do ourselves.

When I was in grades 1 through 12, I would come home from school and eat nonstop until bedtime. Unfathomable slabs of cheese. 1/2 a box of crackers. Snack cakes, 3 or 4 packs at a time. Slim Jims by the canister. The evidence–wrappers and such–all got hidden in various couch crevices and secret bedroom spots. By my 2nd year of college, I weighed over 300 pounds.

Then I decided to lose weight. The 1st step was to stop snacking between meals. Then I cut out meat. Started eating healthy. Exercising–going more than 5 miles a day. Then it got worse. I was down to 1200 calories a day. 1100. 1000. My 1st semester of my 3rd year in college, I ate between 800 and 900 calories a day. I dropped down to 170 pounds. That was a loss of 130 pounds in 5 months.

After some moderate intervention, I am on a healthy track. I eat approximately 2100 calories a day. In order to assure myself that I am getting the proper nutrition, I eat the same thing every day, and I have for the past 2 years. Scattered throughout the day, I eat 2 cups of Kashi GoLean cereal, 2 cups of Wheaties, 7 apples, 2 bags of frozen broccoli, 2 vegan Boca Burgers, 4 cups of yogurt, 1 protein shake, and 1 serving of fat-free candy. I also drink 7 bottles of water. I supplement my diet with 1 multivitamin and 1 B-complex.

It may not be the healthiest thing to lack variety, but it’s better than starving myself or gorging myself. I would say that I now consume a healthy, balanced diet. Kind of like the stuff you’d find in a pet’s bowl–all the kibbles and all the bits.

Of my prior 22 years on earth, I have done surprisingly little.

Did 1 thing I can say I am really proud of.
Did 5 things that, after years of reflection, I genuinely regret to this day.
Worked at 2 jobs.
Been in 1 country.
Dated 1 person for 4 months (nonconsecutive).
Been on 3 dates otherwise.
Published 0 poems.
Published 0 pieces of fiction.

Given the significant wear and tear that my body suffered for the 1st 21 years of my life, it’s safe to say that I will not be among the 50% that make it to 77 years of age. If change hasn’t suited me for the better, I may only make it to 33%. That’s 25 years of age. 790 days. November 6, 2009.

But who’s counting?