Archive for eggs

Adventures in Cultural Misappropriation: Sri Lanka!

Posted in adventures in cultural misappropriation, sri lanka with tags , , , , on June 3, 2018 by uglydudefood

In this post:  Sri Lankan egg hopper
Lentil dhal

Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.  It’s Ugly Food for an Ugly Dude – International!

Been a long time since I’ve done a dumb blog post anywhere, including here.  Anyway, shut up.  I’m back, baby.

Since the last time I posted here intermittently, I’ve had some changes.  I’m still meatless.  My spouse is meatless too, but not vegan anymore.  We still have our dumb dog, Harley.  We also sprouted a dumb human child who is like two and a half now.  She is an omnivore, meaning that when she doesn’t eat our weird vegetarian foods, she gets frozen chicken nuggets.

But that’s not what this is about.  This is a FOOD BLOG!!!!  Remember the early 2010s when those were big?  It was nice.  We had Obama.  David Bowie was alive. Welcome back.

Before I get into the main body of this post, here is my solemn promise to you, the reader.  I’ll post links to the recipes I use right at the dang top of the post.  And if I post an actual recipe myself, I’ll post that at the top as well.  I’m not going to make you scroll through all of this garbage to get to the recipe, only for your phone to pop to an inescapable advertisement.  Nobody deserves that, not even you.

Typically, we meal-plan for the week on Sunday, do a big grocery shop.  So many options, so hard to choose.  Do we have the lasagna?  Or do we do baked ziti?  And what about STUFFED SHELLS!  We’ve decided to diversify our meal offerings by sampling Google-able vegetarian recipes from different countries, selected at random by a country generator.  It’ll be on a semi-regular basis. I buried that here, mid-sixth-paragraph, but that’s the blog’s new mission statement.  I graduated with a bachelor’s degree in writing.

This week’s country is Sri Lanka.  I didn’t know anything about Sri Lanka.  Now I know two foods.  They also had, like, a civil war or something.  A big part of writing is research.

The first food we made is “egg hoppers.”  Basically, like, a super thin sweet coconut pancake with a fried egg in the middle of it.  OR THAT’S WHAT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE.

Well let’s get this out in the open.  There were some issues.  I could not find rice flour anywhere, and I looked in ONE STORE.  I ended up buying tapioca flour, which is probably the closest to rice flour, because both are types of pudding.  Don’t fact check this.

The recipe also calls for proofing/rising in the oven over a pilot light, for three hours.  Well, my oven is electric, so I put the sucker on warm.  In retrospect, that was too hot.  The dough came out as a barely spreadable gel-like dough, and not the pourable batter advertised in the recipe.  After the first few came out awful, I added some water to thin the dough – but that just made it sticky and unmanageable.

Finally, the recipe says “The batter is rather simple but, unfortunately, useless without a proper hopper pan.”  That sounds like a challenge, rich guy!  I used a teeny tiny cast iron skillet, and when that failed, used a regular dang frying pan.

The end result fell right smack in the middle of the mucous<———>marshmallow scale.  Is it possible that I screwed this up?  Or did I do it perfectly, and Sri Lanka just sucks ass?

The fried egg was good.  Served with Morningstar Farms Brand Imitation Cardboard Bacon Product(TM).  Wine pairing: Diet Mt. Dew.

If at first you don’t succeed, don’t bother, and go do something else.

The other recipe, lentil dhal, is pret-ty good. It’s yellow, it’s beany, and if you’re not careful you may eat a bay leaf that I forgot to get out of there! Sri Lanka would be proud.

The spices were pretty similar to what we see in our local Indian/Pakistani places. Cumin, turmeric, garam marsala, cinnamon, garlic, ginger, pepper flakes. This specific recipe could have stood to kick its flavors up a notch, BAM!

it looked yellower in person.

Served with steamed basmati rice and storebought naan. Wine pairing: Diet Mt. Dew.

In conclusion, Sri Lanka. I hope you enjoyed your culinary tour. Our next stop will be another island, halfway across the globe.

I’m back until I’m not.  Go to hell!

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The Egg King

Posted in food with tags , , , , , on May 5, 2008 by uglydudefood

Musician/author Dan Bern has posted a new short-short on his MySpace blog about intense training for an egg-eating contest.

An excerpt:

Still. Perhaps there is a natural human response, so far unknown to me, that kicks in when you are absolutely stuffing yourself. Maybe 10,000 years ago you found food sporadically, and when you did, you had to eat like you might not eat for another three weeks. Maybe gorging yourself is as much a survival skill as running fast, or throwing a spear. Maybe in the early part of the 21st century, competitive eating rightfully joins the more traditional track and field events as a test of spirit and survival. Maybe some of that is still lurking in my genetic core.

Click here to check out the whole thing.

It turns out that the Fiesta Hard-boiled Egg-Eating Contest is very much a real thing.  Did Dan Bern really participate?  Is his tome true?  We may never know, but the reading is well worth it.

Mike Spoodles’ Old-Timey Hobo Vegetable Soup

Posted in food with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 8, 2008 by uglydudefood

For the past three weeks, I’ve been actually cooking. Homemade vegetable soup, sir. Sure, it’s a meal that requires absolutely no maintenance, but it is fresher than anything you’re going to nuke up in the microwave. In a world drowning in preservatives and sassafrass (the ‘frass is not to be confused with sassafras, which is a fresh oil used to make root beer and ecstasy), you can never have enough fresh, unrefined produce.

My favorite part about my Old-Timey Hobo Vegetable Soup is that it is literally made of whatever you have laying around, assuming that whatever-you-have-laying-around is not your kid brother.

THE BROTH

Hobo Soup at workStewed tomatoes (canned–no salt added). This was a recommendation that initially turned me on to this “recipe” of sorts. You dump a can of stewed tomatoes (113 calories total) into a pot and add two- to four cans-full of water, making a nice, red, tomatoey broth. Any canned tomato will do, really. I accidentally bought diced tomatoes and they seemed to work fine (just fine). Watch out–most canned vegetables are doped up on sodium. Do yourself and your heart a favor. Go low-sodium and season your soup to taste later.

V8 Juice (low sodium, natch). If you’re looking for something with a bit more of a bouquet, V8 100% Vegetable Juice will work in a pinch. The reddish gunk is a mixture of tomatoes, carrots, celery, beets, parsley, lettuce, watercress, and spinach (AND IT TASTES AS GOOD AS IT SOUNDS). As a juice it is probably the most horrid thing known to man. As a broth? Well, it’ll do. Water it down to taste and plunk in your miscellaneous fillings. Tomato juice will also work, although at that point shouldn’t you get the actual tomato goodness of a can of stewed tomatoes?

Vegetable broth. Somehow there is an option even lazier than the previous two options. Available in convenient off-the-shelf can form, vegetable broth is the boiled-down essence of any number of stinky vegetables. You’ll probably fare better, though, making your own vegetable broth if you have the time.

OTHER BROTH ALTERNATIVES: Of course you could make the broth out of just about anything. You could use plain old water and spice it up. If you’re a meat-eater, you could obviously go for the old standby chicken broth.

AND NOW TO THE VEGETABLES

Once again, the sky is the limit here. Whatever you have that is fresh and lingering around your kitchen can go into this pot. As a for-instance, here are the things that went into my soup tonight:

  • 1 red pepper
  • 1 yellow pepper
  • 1 green pepper (my peppers were shriveling)
  • 100g fresh onion
  • 10g garlic
  • 2 beets
  • 3 spears asparagus
  • 30g baby portabello mushrooms
  • 10 radishes

Beets have been a must-have in my soups for the past week. Not only do they add a subtle hint of sweetness (which is sorely lacking in most vegetables), but they will turn your soup blood red. For a less-messy option, you can chop up an apple to offset the veggies with sweetness.

Other favorites of mine include: zucchini, cabbage, carrots, celery, eggplant. You can boil an egg (or an egg white) in the broth as well.

Experiment gone horribly wrong: fresh jalapeo peppers, which are apparently as unappetizing in soup as they are in bulk eating contests.

PREPARATION

After all of the ingredients are tossed into a pot willy-nilly, bring the concoction to a boil. Once your soup has been boiling for several minutes, reduce the heat and cover your pot. Leave covered until you are ready to serve. Everything will get tender. Your veggies and broth will begin to influence each other with their flavors.

This soup can serve one or many. The nutritional value of an entire batch is generally less than 400 calories. With that said, it’s a very filling dish. If you attempt to eat the whole thing in one sitting, your stomach will probably rupture.

I’d strongly recommend this soup if you are looking for a filling, low-calorie, fat-free meal, or just a way to experiment with new and different vegetables. The only thing missing is the stone.

Eating out: it’s not ONLY beneficial to your ladyfriend

Posted in food with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 7, 2008 by uglydudefood

Just like every other aspect of eating, restaurant-dining and I have had a bit of a tenuous relationship over the past three or four years. Oftentimes, I would accompany my family and friends to restaurants, only to order “just a Diet Coke,” or “decaf coffee, black.” More often, though, I would just avoid the whole eating-out situation altogether.

I’ve been better lately–I’ve been eating veggie burgers and salads. Pintos and cheese is a new Taco Bell mainstay. Hell, I’ve even scarfed down a slice of pizza or two since I’ve started trying to fix myself.

A great source of inspiration–or at least a handy resource guide towards not being crazy at restaurants–can be found on Crack Fitness NYC. Melissa offers seven helpful hints for actually enjoying your dining experience, still remaining healthy, and avoiding the shame you would invariably bring your friends and accomplices over dinner. Here is an interesting excerpt, although I would strongly recommend reading this entire article:

Tip #2 *The ONE request rule. This is huge. This can transform your relationship with eating out if it makes you uncomfortable. You can only ask the waiter to make one substitution for the entire meal. So if you want your omelet with egg white only, don’t ask for it to be cooked without oil. If you want you salad dressing on the side, don’t drill the person about the way the cook your fish. If you want your fish cooked with olive oil not butter, make that your request. So let’s say your fish comes drenched a top a pool of teriyaki, just move it to a separate plate, so you have a reasonable amount of sauce.

One of these tips is to look at a menu and see if there is something you will actually eat on there beforehand. It saves you a whole lot of hassle. You don’t want to get seated at Denny’s (the epitome of fine dining, of course) and find yourself torn between the Grand Slam Breakfast, the Grand Grand Slam Breakfast, and the Fatboy Special–eight pieces of deep-fried french toast spread thick with lardo.

There are a number of items and sites that facilitate my particular brand of obsessive-compulsive, mildly-disordered crazyeating, which probably goes completely against the intentions of Melissa’s article but dag-nabbit it’s progress.

Red Robin’s website is my favorite. They have a burger customizer, which allows you to get accurate (but limited) nutritional information of all of their food, including the condiments you want and the side dishes you shouldn’t be eating. By the way. a lonely, bunless Gardenburger sitting on a cold plate is a mere 100 calories, which is a small price to pay for being the laughing-stock of your table.

Of course, everyone is familiar with those cheap paper menus they make available at the fast food joints now. Taco Bell, McDonald’s, and Subway (which is, by no means, a healthy weight-loss regime, by the bye) have had the most easily-available nutritional information in my opinion, but these days they all have some sort of guide or calculator on their website. Even Pizza Hut and Kentucky Fried Chicken have gotten in on the game, although I think that’s simply to rub their fiendish coronary-murder-plot in your face before you croak.

Anyway, I guess this post was my successful attempt to crazy up a perfectly good and valid link. If you want real advice from somebody who is not a crazy crazy that is crazy, see the post at Crack Fitness NYC.

Don’t eat the pictures

Posted in food with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 13, 2008 by uglydudefood

Ugly Food For an Ugly Dude

Posted in food, health with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 29, 2008 by uglydudefood

Tubular Twizzlers Tweeterz, Terrance!

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 13, 2007 by uglydudefood

I was at the grocery store the other day looking at the candy section and shaking my head. And why? Limited Edition candies, of course.

The candy companies have been releasing the things for years and years, of course, but slapping the words “Limited Edition” on them is a fairly recent phenomenon. We used to call it “test marketing to see if people will actually buy the new, shitty product.” Hershey’s Kisses come in any variety of flavors, for instance. Chocolate, white chocolate, dark chocolate, caramel filled, cream filled, peanut butter filled, cordial cherry filled, coconut cream filled, almond filled, dulce de leche filled, toffee filled, chocolate truffle filled, orange flavored, strawberry flavored, mint flavored. It’s fucking ridiculous. When I was a kid, we ate Hershey’s Kisses in one exciting flavor: milk chocolate. And you know what? Nobody ever once thought to say “this flavor is not good enough and I would like a wide variety of shitty flavors from which to choose.” There’s absolutely no reason for them to keep releasing more and more crap.

If they do, though, I have some suggestions that could make me very rich. Key Lime flavored Kisses. Flavor that bad boy with cinnamon! Hershey’s kisses filled with marshmallow! Or maybe a seasonal variant that is filled with pumpkin pie filling (or chunks of candy cane). Expand into the other varieties of nuts: pecans, peanuts, hazelnuts, whatever. Put pretzels in there, and potato chips. Hell, even cheese doodles. Crunchy cookies. Nougat. Whatever the hell it is that’s inside of a Butterfinger. Rice krispies, or any other cereal for that matter! Salt water taffy! Molasses! Maple syrup! Honey! All of your favorite jams and jellies! Oh, cheesecake! Fat people love cheesecake! Coffee beans (or at least coffee flavoring). You’ve already hit orange and strawberry: now go with banana. Pineapple! Grape! Get some mixed berries in there. Apple pie filling? Certainly! I think Hershey’s owns Twizzlers: start coating those things in Kisses. Licorice of any sort will do, really. I bet they could buy out Pop Rocks for surprisingly little. Throw ‘em in! Charms seemed to have some success with their Blow Pops. Maybe it’s time to stick some bubble gum in there (in a variety of flavors, of course). And why stop at that? Fill them with essential nutrients and put them next to the Flintstones vitamins on the shelf. Or put toothpaste in there and use them as an alternative to brushing your teeth. Or sell them in your grocer’s freezer with bits of precooked meat in there! Or eggs! And of course, with that comes the vegetarian alternatives: chocolate coated soy meat and the like. Can you imagine the possibilities? Chocolate isn’t enough for today’s consumer. They need to supplement it with some bizarre and off-the-wall filling that has no right being involved with a delicious sweet. I’d be rolling in the dough (which reminds me: cookie dough!) if I worked for Hershey’s corporation. I’m sure there are tons more! Those are just the ideas I came up with while I was waiting in line at the checkout. Give me more time, Hershey’s!

But really, that’s neither here nor there. I’m here to talk about Twizzlers’ seasonal variant, Twizzlers Tweeterz. My sample came from Easter 2006, so there is no guarantee that you’ll ever see these things on the shelves again. However, luck may be on your side as a Google Search turns up results for a Halloween package that includes orange and grape varieties.

Tweeterz are bits of Twizzlers-brand candy (I hesitate to say licorice because the only true licorice is the tasty black stuff). The bluebird on the package is wishing you a happy Easter, unaware that you’ll be eating its eggs well into the next year. In fact, by the time this review is posted, 2007’s Easter candy may already be on shelves.

FAST FOOD FACTS: Serving Size: 24 tweeterz. Calories: 130. Fat: 0g. These are entirely vegan.

The Easter version of Twizzlers Tweeterz come in three fruity flavors: cherry (red), strawberry (pink), and blue raspberry (blue). Chances are that you know exactly what two of the three of these taste like. Cherry and Strawberry are two of Twizzlers’ classic flavors. Blue raspberry tastes like neither blueberry (which is not raspberry) nor raspberry (which is not blue). It tastes almost exactly the same as its red cherry brethren. The candy coating adds absolutely nothing to the treat. If the shell is also fruit-flavored, I’m unable to tell. It’s almost certainly pure sugar, adding nothing but almost-sickening sweetness to the equation.

So what does that leave you with? Little bits of Twizzlers. I wouldn’t pick these up if I were you, because Twizzlers are best enjoyed in whip form.