Archive for bread

Adventures in Cultural Misappropriation: Guyana

Posted in adventures in cultural misappropriation, baking, food, guyana, recipes with tags , , , , , on September 2, 2018 by uglydudefood

In this post:

Channa and potato curry

Butterflap

Guyanese vanilla fudge

Stupidest thing happened in this post, and it’s either my mood or the food of Guyana or the country of Guyana, but I am at a complete loss for dumb jokes. Maybe they’ll come to me as I keep typing.

The channa and potato curry is pretty simple – onion/garlic, spices, broth, potatoes, chickpeas. I think that I overburled my taters, so this eventually became “spicy yellow mashed potatoes with chickpeas.” The recipe called for what is apparently a super spicy Guyanese pepper, and that wasn’t at the store anyway, but Rachel and my kid don’t do spice so I replaced it with the Green Bell Pepper.

coulda used some spice

Those cookies you see behind it aren’t cookies – that’s butterflaps, baby! It’s yeast leavened dough, rolled and then filled with garlic butter, and then folded over itself twice, and then covered with more garlic butter and some herbs. For me, these ended up super crunchy. I would have baked less, or doubled the size, and probably would have doubled the garlic butter too. Wine pairing: Diet Mt Dew.

butterflap in the sky, i can flap twice as higghhhhhh

Dessert was Guyanese vanilla fudge, which mainly differs from US vanilla fudge because it’s only sweetened with brown sugar. It’s good as hell.

The recipe was big on “this is how you eyeball it to get that perfect fudge consistency, just like in Guyana, and it took many batches to get this right,” and I have to say that I just used a candy thermometer and got it right the first time like a big dumb champ.

fudge me big boy

All in all, I give Guyana an 8 out of 10, and it kicks ass.

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Adventures in Cultural Misappropriation: Hungary

Posted in adventures in cultural misappropriation, baking, food, hungary, recipes with tags , , , , , on August 26, 2018 by uglydudefood

In this post:

Hungarian lángos

Fözalék

Dobos torte

Hello and howdy. Hope you’re HUNGARY because I’m about to post some food. Get it?

First ding dang thing to do was mix up some lángos dough. Lángos are the little fried bread treats that just taught me how to do áçcéñt märkš on my ïPhøńē. They’re little fried dough cakes topped with cheese, sour cream, garlic, or, ya know, whatever.

Unlike the fried bread treats I just made in Venezuela (arepas), these are made from all-purp wheat flour instead of cornmeal. In fact, the recipe is pretty much exactly the same thing I eyeball for pizza dough. So, like, fried pizza after you put cheese on these suckers.

Apparently according to a Hungarian guy I know, these sometimes have potato in the dough. Sorry GARY. That’s not what the only link I looked at on the internet told me!

rising n resting

While I was waiting to fry those up, I got started on the fözalék, which is like masters-level iPhone accent mark training. It’s got two little dots over the o! It’s creamed Hungarian vegetables. The linked recipe is like “usually there’s actual cream, and you thicken it with flour, but in this one we’re gonna substitute that with potatoes?” Sorry GARY.

Basically you burl yerself some veggies in milk and veg broth, and then you thicken it (in this case, the potatoes thicken it, ok? don’t call the police).

The recipe calls for kohlrabi, which is a made up vegetable, but google tells me that broccoli cuts are a reasonable replacement.

After the veggies were creamed, I fried up the lángos. Took me a while to find the sweet spot in both temperature and cook time, but once I did these were really good. Crispy around the edges, soft in the middle, cheese melty on top.

u can see an awful burnt one and a good one, and if u look carefully in the upper right corner u can see a birthday candle shaped like a “3”

Pretty good. I doubled the recipe and ended up eating nothing but fözalék for a week. Wine pairing: Diet Mt Dew.

The dessert was interesting! And time consuming! The dobos torte is like eight individually baked thin layers of heavy lemon zest and vanilla flavored egg-based cake batter, layered with chocolate buttercream, and topped with a crunchy caramel disc. Lemon, vanilla, chocolate, and caramel, man. Or as Rachel said, “this has one too many flavors.” Didn’t stop us from eating an entire giant cake.

Listen. It ain’t pretty, but there’s a good explanation: I didn’t care enough to try.

I did want to make sure I had my Ts crossed and my Ös dotted, but apparently I misread or screwed this one up a little – because I put a layer of icing on top of the caramel crunchy deal. Ööps.

Here it is: the moment you’ve all been waiting for:

okay.

I thought it was pretty good. So did my kid. The caramel disc was crunchy as hell, btw. Thanks, Hungary. Thanks, Gary.

“And it was the best thing I ever done!”

Posted in food with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 3, 2008 by uglydudefood

I was perusing my non-food blogroll, I stumbled across Hump Day Stories, which had a wonderful, food-relevant post this morning in regards to the late, apparently-great Williams Smoke House ribs.

I swear to God, [the rib] was so good that I dropped it and stared at it. My eyes were wide. I was looking at the rib like I just watched it punch my mother in the face, like I was angry at it for what it had done to me. In a sense, I was, but only because I equate pleasure with anger due to my damaged childhood. The bite of meat was already starting to melt in my mouth, the sauce mixing with fat and salt. Simply put, it was the most perfect bite of food I’ve ever taken.

I read this and just knew. Back in my younger, fatter, meat-eating days, I had one goal in life: to recreate my first Tony Luke’s experience.

I must have been in middle school. We were just settling down to a warm winter’s intolerable Philadelphia 76ers basketball game (intolerable not because of the fact that the Sixers were playing poorly, but because watching organized sports makes my eyeballs want to bleed).

With not much time before we had to hit the nosebleeds, we stopped by what looked like a rinky-dink shack under a bridge–Tony Luke’s. My father and brother grabbed Philly cheesesteaks (or as “Philly cheesesteak” as my family gets, which is to say that they were simply beef and American cheese, topped with far more ketchup than any one bun can hold), and I opted for the Roast Pork with Sharp Provolone.

I’m not sure what did it for me. Was it my first-ever taste of sharp provolone cheese? Fresh, tender pork? A big old white bun full of fat? I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure I had my first-ever orgasm then and there. From that moment on, it was my goal to recreate that heavenly experience in my own kitchen.

Problem number one: I was thirteen years old, and without a source of income or outside food. Problem number two: we never had pork just plain-ol’ lying around. I was stuck with Steakumms. The cheese situation was slightly–but barely–better. We usually had a block of extra-sharp cheddar cheese sitting in the refrigerator. It was close, but clearly not the same, I chopped up four-to-five Steakumms and melted upwards of a quarter pound of fatty, delicious cheese. They fried in their own fats and juices until the whole thing was one congealed patty of cheese and low-grade cowmeat.

Needless to say, I had no success in recreating that first Tony Luke’s moment. In fact, the only success I had was in the weight-gain department. These experimental cheesesteaks brought me from a plump 260 pounds to a morbid 300, which in turn caused me to take control of my life and become an obsessive-compulsive, anorexic, vegetarian freak.

Thanks a lot, Tony Luke’s.

So I would like to ask the readership (which is, at this point, nonexistent): what is the absolute best meal you’ve ever had? Did you have a transcendent experience like Geth over at Hump Day Stories? Do you find yourself “chasing the dragon” to relive a certain food-type experience that will never come?

Mememmeme

Posted in food, health, meme, movies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 28, 2008 by uglydudefood

I was not tagged for this meme! Instead, I stole it unceremoniously from one of the three hundred food blogs I read, iheartfood4thought.

It is like a MySpace vanity survey, except I have invited it into my food-related house and OH SCREW IT this is a MySpace vanity bulletin.

On Culinary Arts…
Q. What is your salad dressing of choice?
A. Nothing. If I want to eat veggies, I’d like to taste the veggies. In a pinch (such as particularly rancid lettuce), a quick squirt of white-trash yellow mustard is the cure for what ails you.

Q. What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
A. Back when I ate meat, the answer would unequivocally be Wendy’s. Their beef tastes like actual meat, which is in turn enhanced by the condiments. McDonald’s is too much like a condiment sandwich, and Burger King’s Whomperoo tastes like a bottle of liquid smoke. Nowadays, I am a connoisseur of Taco Bell, which surprisingly offers a fairly healthy option that tastes good–Pintos n’ Cheese.

Q. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
A. Red Robin offers a Gardenburger (which criminally costs $7.99, the approximate cost of 2.5 boxes of the same damn thing). More importantly, they offer a fairly comprehensive burger customizer which offers nutritional information based on your selection from a wide variety of rolls, condiments, cheeses, and sides.

Q. On average how much of a tip do you leave at a restaurant?
A. 20% is my bare minimum. I’ve been known to tip 100% for exceptional service and 50% for more-than-adequate. I also have a special form of white-guilt that springs from ordering nothing but coffee. In turn, I will generally pay the price of an average meal for a cuppa.

Q. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
A. This is a bit of a loaded question because I ate the same food every day for nearly three years. If I had to choose my absolute favorite from those days, it would probably be the vegan Boca Burger. You can eat it plain and bland (a personal favorite). Crumble it into any random, lazy-ass recipe. Use it as a vessel for sauerkraut or delicious, delicious mustard.

Q. What are your pizza toppings of choice?
A. I don’t need clutter in my life. Plain ol’ cheese. Doesn’t matter whether it’s a classic Margherita or a big, floppy, greasy triangle of dough, sauce, and cheese from a local pizzeria. The old adage remains true; keep it simple, slutface.

Q. What do you like to put on your toast?
A. Bread is a nonentity in my life.

On Technology…

Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer?
A. Marshmallow Peeps lollipop.

Q. How many televisions are in your house?
A. Embarrassingly enough, at least seven.

Q. What kind of cell phone do you have?
A. LG

On Biology…
Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
A. Right-handed.

Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
A. Nothing that didn’t start its life outside my body.

Q. What is the last heavy item you lifted?
A. Groceries–Kashi GoLean, broccoflower, canned tomatoes (diced and stewed varieties), zucchini, eggplant, sugar-free gelatin, Jones Soda, ricotta cheese, and tofu.

Q. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
A. I had a fairly serious bicycle accident almost two years ago. Without the helmet, I would have most assuredly been kaput. Otherwise, I just cracked my head open but-good and concussed myself in the process.

On Psychology…
Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
A. If it were possible, I would choose my deathday.

Q. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
A. Cornelius “Spoodles” McGoof

Q. what color looks good on you?
A. Black and brown

Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?
A. No, but I’ve surely swallowed non-food items on purpose to amuse friends and emergency-room-doctors alike!

Q. Have you ever saved someones life?
A. I save hundreds of lives a day simply by driving on the correct side of the road.

Q. Has someone ever saved yours?
A. I can name a few friends that have almost ended my life, but I don’t believe they saved it.

Truth or Dare (or a Bribe)…

Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
A. A hundred dollars? I would kiss the wiener of a member of the same sex for a hundred dollars.

Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
A. Yes. Yes I would.

Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000?
A. For fifty thousand easy dollars I would throw my computer out the window.

Q. Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
A. I came damn close to posing nude in college just to have a story to tell.

Q. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
A. I probably have already done this merely to amuse my miscreant friends. It couldn’t be any more difficult than eating a bowl full of jalapeños.

Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
A. This I would not do. I’ll inflict any manner of pain, torture, punishment, or fruit-pie upon myself, but when it comes to harming another living being that doesn’t have chlorophyll running through its veins, that’s a big N.O.

On random stuff…
Q: What is in your left pocket?
A. Who says I am wearing pants?

Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
A. Napoleon Dynamite is an entertaining movie with an irritating fan-following, much like Borat, The Boondock Saints, and Dirty Dancing: Havanna Nights .

Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
A. Throw-rugs over what I’d imagine to be dirt floors.

Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower?
A. I squat.

Q: Could you live with roommates?
A. The realist in me says, “Yes.” The socially-retarded blogger in me says, “Not on your life, Froderick.”

Q: How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
A. I own one pair of well-worn size-18 flip flops, which will never be replaced due to the relative rarity of their size.

Q: Last time you had a run-in with the cops
A. I am a friend of the law. My natural look of fear and respectful awe keeps the po’ on my side.

Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?
A. A palindrome.

Q: Last person who called you?
A. My lovely girlfriend, Rachel.

Q: Person you hugged?
A. My lovely mother, Mom.

On Favorites…
Q: Number?
A. 19.

Q: Season?
A. Summer.

Q: Holiday?
A. Halloween.

Q: Day of the week:
A. Thursday, simply because I base my enjoyment of life on television.

Q: Month?
A. July.

Current Events…
Q: Missing someone?
A. Somewhere in the past twenty questions, this food survey has taken a turn for the lamer.

Q: Mood?
A. Hungry.

Q: Listening to?
A. Food Network

Q: Watching?
A. Iron Chef: America.

Q: Worrying about?
A: Blogs and/or frogs.

In conclusion…
Q: First place you went this morning?
A. The terlet.

Q: What can you not wait to do?
A. Discover some new food that fits my obsessive lifestyle.

Q:What’s the last movie you saw?
A. Horton Hears a Who, which was surprisingly good. Jim Carrey has officially Robin-Williams-ed himself out. He is no longer entertaining when he is trying to be funny. However, Steve Carell, a decent adaptation, and an as-respectful-as-possible animation style make this a worthwhile venture.

Q: Do you smile often?
A. Whoever says “it is easier to smile” has never frowned their whole lives. The smiling, it hurts my face.

Q: Are you a friendly person?
A. I’m barely a person.