Sweet and Sweetener

toothpaste for dinner

Aspartame done effed me up.

For a while I was–with the exception of a diet soda every day–eating “naturally.” I wasn’t ingesting any of those silly chemicals. My diet consisted solely of fresh fruits and vegetables, lean meats, and dry cereals.

So when I jumped back on the “artificially sweetened candy” train, I wasn’t expecting what I got. I’ve been doing about seven sticks of “Extra” sugar-free gum daily to get myself through work. It may not seem like a lot–35 calories, but those chemicals do something special to you.

To put it lightly, Intense, daily gastrointestinal distress. Like, you have to hightail it to the bathroom or you’re done for! Thanks to freaking delicious bubble gum, I broke my streak of “No Twosies in Public Restrooms” for the first time in five years.

I used to say “p’shaw” to the clowns that talk smack on my good friend the calorie-free sweetener. I’ve seen the error of my ways, and it’s manifest in the error lingering around the bathroom.

At the moment, this is just aspartame. I haven’t noticed any detrimental effects with Splenda (and I consume a lot of it), but I wouldn’t be surprised if Splenda winds up turning my ears into butts that poop other, smaller butts onto the shoulders of my friends. Or something.

6 Responses to “Sweet and Sweetener”

  1. not to be a downer, but…





    splenda is a mild mutagen made using chlorine… šŸ˜¦ it’s not good for you.

    momma always said the most healthy thing for you that tastes like sugar is sugar.
    just eat it in moderation. or ween yourself down to eating no sugar at all beside fruits and vegetables. studies show that sugar is addictive like caffeine and nicotine. but you can kick the craving to eat it in the form of candy & sweets.

  2. Thanks for the reading material, Joli. Time to rethink my life! šŸ™‚

  3. Oh, great, I come late to the conversation and Joli already said everything intelligent.

    Seriously though, I know sugar ain’t all that great for you, but I’d so much rather eat it natural than fake. But I guess pretty much every comment I write on this blog contains that sentiment.

    What I usually don’t mention is that you should definitely start using real em dashes.

  4. Aha! I know I have a bad habit of using double en-dashes, but only because I’m used to Microsoft Word fixing it for me. I’d rather use the double-en than figure out a more complicated set of keystrokes.

  5. Actually, come to think of it…my view on the em-dash is similar to my view on artificial sweeteners. I know they’re “wrong,” but I’m not changing my ways any time soon. Besides, with the way I have treated and currently treat my body, a little aspartame or Splenda won’t kill me any sooner.

  6. mike.. any chance of a Ugly Food for an Ugly Dude button soon? – i’d like to add one to the upcoming RTW links page!

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