Archive for candy

Happy Administrative Professionals’ Day…to me!

Posted in food with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 24, 2008 by hoagiefest 2020

I went into work today to find a big frigging gift bag smack in the middle of my desk.


My first thought was that I missed my birthday. Turns out that today is Administrative Professionals’ Day. Take a moment to laugh at the professional spin they gave the old-time “Secretaries’ Day.”

Out of your system? Good. Because apparently those of us who bust our humps day-in and day-out to file your paperwork are special. How special? Special enough to get lots and lots of glorious stuff!

There are some negatives to having your coworkers know about your crazy, obsessive-compulsive dieting. There’s those that express concern–either fake or sincere-but-misguided. There are people that will ask and comment about your diet incessantly. However, all of that goes away when people get you a big ol’ bag of food.

Granola from Dingeldein Bakery. There is no official webpage for the Dingeldein Bakery, but it’s probably the most costly bakery in the city of Harrisburg, PA. I was really, really looking forward to crunching on this stuff. I opened it immediately after work and ate a serving. I’ve never had plain granola before (only in super-saccharine bar form), but this stuff was incredible. Raisins and nuts and what I’d assume to be honey combine to form this delicious, dense conglomeration. Now I will stop describing something that everybody else already eats.

Sugar-free candy! Included were packs of Extra Spearmint gum, Sweet ‘N Low Sugar Free Brand hard candies in both Fruit Flavors and International Coffee Flavors, and “Just Chocolate” hard candies.

And, if that’s not all, there was a $25 gift card to my grocery store. That will come in handy, whether it’s just to stock up on fresh fruits and vegetables (cherry season is coming up, after all) or to gas up my car for the frequent hour-long commutes to my girlfriend’s house.

I’ll certainly be remembering this come Bosses’ Day!

What happens to those people right gob in the middle of the totem pole? We celebrate the head-honchos on Bosses’ Day (October 16) and the bottom-feeders on Administrative Professionals’ Day. Do the sandwich-meat (whatever menial position they tend to hold) just get to live day-to-day, happy in the fact that they’re benefiting from the knowledge and hard work of their supervisors and secretaries?


Posted in food with tags on October 14, 2007 by hoagiefest 2020

Crest Whitening Expressions

Posted in food with tags , , , , , , , on October 1, 2007 by hoagiefest 2020

My Pee Buddy ‘N’ Me

Posted in fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 14, 2007 by hoagiefest 2020


Posted in food, health with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 12, 2007 by hoagiefest 2020

What Makes a Peep a Peep?

Posted in food with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 9, 2007 by hoagiefest 2020

Travelogue: Florida, 1997

Posted in food with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 1, 2007 by hoagiefest 2020

We took a crazy and fun family road trip to Florida in 1997. My sister Amy/”Melvin” was keeping a running log that actually stopped before we hit Disney, but all is forgiven because she was ten years old and apparently retarded. Anyway, here is an illustrated Travelogue through the eyes of the coolest ten-year-old girl I knew.


We left for Florida! Things went off to a rocky start. Mike asked Dan to get a comb for him when mommy asked him them to get their combs. Mom said Mike was a “Lazy fat Ass”. Mike jumped up and said I’m not going and left. We got him back in the car and we stopped for gas. Now it’s off to drop off our mail and off we go. Mom wants to get to South Carolina today. We’re making bet’s on which day the door handle will break. Amy day we get to Disney 9th. Dan takes the 10th Mike says tomorrow (3rd). Mom say’s 14th. Dad says it just won’t. We’re playing the lisence plate game the hole time. 9:22am we’re in Maryland.

We are in Virginia 11:02am. We ate lunch at the Virginia Welcome center. Now to Mad libs. (We already played tribond Mike won). continued

We reached North Carolina 3:46pm.

We played Yatzee

We arrived in South of the border (South Carolina 6:52 pm

I got a south of the border coin and Keychain. We stopped at day’s Inn. It would be about 55 dollars. We decided to look on. We might go back. We checked out the prices at the Comfort Inn. It’s full. We decided to check travelers inn. It’s way to expenseve. We’re going back to the day’s Inn. We went swimming and took a dip in the hot tub. We went to Burger King. We traveled 564.1 yesturday today.

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We woke up but the boys wouldn’t get up they wasted like ten minutes. We went and got a continental breakfast free. Now we’re at a Pilot travel center for gas. We’re in Georgia 11:42am. Dan is a Bad driver. He almost killed us twice. No driving for him. We’re in Florida 2:15. We went to Quincys Mom said it was dirty. (It was). Dad said “Florida’s a long ass state”. Dan says “It is a penis”. We went swimming and then went to McDonalds for a snack. We’re staying at is stinky Mirage (Best Western). Today we drive 603.2 miles. Oh yeah! I got a yak at Mc D. It’s name is yacity.


We took showers and went to Ihop for breakfast. When we left mom and dad kepy driving the car back and forth in the car cause mom couldn’t read the map right. We went to the Philly’s Spring Training feild. We were just in the gulf Of Mexico. It was fun. We jumped in to wave and colleted shells. Mom and Dad didn’t come in swim with us. (they walked into there knees). We went to the Yankee’s spring training place next. We weren’t supposed to park but dad did. Mom just wanted to leave. We stopped at a Shoney’s for supper. We drove on a little and stopped at a Red Roof Inn. Dan, Mike, and I went swimming While mom and dad went to wash the car. When they got back they swimming also. There was a spa but it was to hot. Plus there were guys drinking beer. We all (kids) took showers, and went to bed.

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We all got up. When I was the brushing my teeth, and I saw a lizard. We left and stopped at a gas station with gas. We stopped ata Burger King for Break. Then we headed to the EverGlades. When we got there we went to a gater park. Then to a hike, and on a boat ride. On the hike we saw little crabs that looked like spiders. On the boat ride we saw racoons and alligators. We got to hold a baby alligator mom and dad choose not to. After that we had the 1 hr. boat ride we went to the national park for a two hr. tram ride. We saw a white herring and a blue one, We saw volchers, we saw a bird with a snake in it’s mouth. We saw deer, (which are smaller then P.A.’s and a buck fawn), alligators. and a neat turtle all black!! The tour guide sort of sounded like Cristian in my oppinion. (Cristian was a A.D. at camp!) After that was over we went to a Wendy’s where we decided to go all the ways to the Key West. (We crossed 49 bridges to go there. Once hear it took us like an hour to find a hotel. We ended up at a Howarad Jhonson’s. It’s a Motel but across the street it was a resturant. We walked to the resturant we had dessert. it was the only thing we had time for. (Mike didn’t have any he said non sounded good) We walked across the street to a K’s market. We got drinks and candy bar’s. Then we went back to H. J.

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We left H.J.’s and dropped the car van off at a parking lot. We got tickets to ride a tram around Key West. Werode by alot of interesting places. We got off to go to the Hemmingway House. There were alot of cats. 52 to be exact. (Hemmingway was a writter). We got back on. Then we got off at the Southernmost point. (90 miles to Cuba. Then we finished the tram ride. When we got back we went to Sloppy Joe’s to have lunch Then we looked around in shop. Now we’re on are way to Miami but. We stopped at a Dairy Queen. Daddy’s kidney hurts. We are staying at a days in. I hope it’s nothing real serious. He had a kidney stone.

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Sorry i stopped writing i will put certain things i remember–

The end.

One Year Gone

Posted in food with tags , , , , , , , on March 13, 2007 by hoagiefest 2020

presence on this page that I haven’t even mentioned in something like ten months.

What’s goin’ on, little guy?

I love Marshmallow Peeps. I really mean it. If I could marry them, I’d–let me rephrase that. If there were a proper orifice on their cute, pastel bodies, I would make sweet marshmallow love to them.

So in addition to my super-awesome reviews, I’m going to throw my focus back on Peeps for a bit. I’ve built up such a huge collection of Peeps that I literally am running out of room. Because of that, I have decided to break into them and do the right thing–eat them. They’re all stale and hard and good and wonderful.

Today’s Peep:

Marshmallow Peeps Spooky Cats, vintage 2006.

These were bought in September 2006. They were opened and consumed in March of 2007.

Pertinent info: Serving size is 4 cats. Calories: 130. Fat: 0g. These are not vegan because they contain gelatin in their ingredients. Gelatin is made of horses’ hooves. The more you know. Marshmallow Peeps Spooky Cats are not a significant source of fiber, vitamin A, vitamin C, calcium, or iron, but they are a significant source of tasting good.

This is the Mohs Scale of Peep Hardness. The lower the number, the fresher and squishier the Peep is. These Peeps were just about in the middle–a 3.5. They were chewy and malleable, much like a real cat.

The Spooky Cats are plain, white, Peeps marshmallow, covered with a blackish sugar. The eyes and whiskers are white.

Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.usI’ve never been the type to make claims that different colored foods taste different. I have friends that swear to this day that M&Ms each have their own, distinct flavors. These friends are assholes. Still, there was something a little “off” about my Spooky Cats. I’d imagine it has something to do with the black coloring included in the package. My mom tells me that black decorating color tastes bad. My mom also tells me that touching myself is sinful. WHY CAN’T YOU JUST LET ME HAVE FUN, MOM?

I ate these in any number of ways. Regular-style, they were chewy. Frozen, they were magnificent and textural. Microwaved for about fifteen seconds and they were poofed up and good. Tasted just like a toasted marshmallow. Microwaved for thirty seconds and OH SHIT.

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Spooky Cat…we hardly knew ye. This is a scan of the package. Good day.

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Indulge Your Senses

Posted in food with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 11, 2007 by hoagiefest 2020

Tubular Twizzlers Tweeterz, Terrance!

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 13, 2007 by hoagiefest 2020

I was at the grocery store the other day looking at the candy section and shaking my head. And why? Limited Edition candies, of course.

The candy companies have been releasing the things for years and years, of course, but slapping the words “Limited Edition” on them is a fairly recent phenomenon. We used to call it “test marketing to see if people will actually buy the new, shitty product.” Hershey’s Kisses come in any variety of flavors, for instance. Chocolate, white chocolate, dark chocolate, caramel filled, cream filled, peanut butter filled, cordial cherry filled, coconut cream filled, almond filled, dulce de leche filled, toffee filled, chocolate truffle filled, orange flavored, strawberry flavored, mint flavored. It’s fucking ridiculous. When I was a kid, we ate Hershey’s Kisses in one exciting flavor: milk chocolate. And you know what? Nobody ever once thought to say “this flavor is not good enough and I would like a wide variety of shitty flavors from which to choose.” There’s absolutely no reason for them to keep releasing more and more crap.

If they do, though, I have some suggestions that could make me very rich. Key Lime flavored Kisses. Flavor that bad boy with cinnamon! Hershey’s kisses filled with marshmallow! Or maybe a seasonal variant that is filled with pumpkin pie filling (or chunks of candy cane). Expand into the other varieties of nuts: pecans, peanuts, hazelnuts, whatever. Put pretzels in there, and potato chips. Hell, even cheese doodles. Crunchy cookies. Nougat. Whatever the hell it is that’s inside of a Butterfinger. Rice krispies, or any other cereal for that matter! Salt water taffy! Molasses! Maple syrup! Honey! All of your favorite jams and jellies! Oh, cheesecake! Fat people love cheesecake! Coffee beans (or at least coffee flavoring). You’ve already hit orange and strawberry: now go with banana. Pineapple! Grape! Get some mixed berries in there. Apple pie filling? Certainly! I think Hershey’s owns Twizzlers: start coating those things in Kisses. Licorice of any sort will do, really. I bet they could buy out Pop Rocks for surprisingly little. Throw ‘em in! Charms seemed to have some success with their Blow Pops. Maybe it’s time to stick some bubble gum in there (in a variety of flavors, of course). And why stop at that? Fill them with essential nutrients and put them next to the Flintstones vitamins on the shelf. Or put toothpaste in there and use them as an alternative to brushing your teeth. Or sell them in your grocer’s freezer with bits of precooked meat in there! Or eggs! And of course, with that comes the vegetarian alternatives: chocolate coated soy meat and the like. Can you imagine the possibilities? Chocolate isn’t enough for today’s consumer. They need to supplement it with some bizarre and off-the-wall filling that has no right being involved with a delicious sweet. I’d be rolling in the dough (which reminds me: cookie dough!) if I worked for Hershey’s corporation. I’m sure there are tons more! Those are just the ideas I came up with while I was waiting in line at the checkout. Give me more time, Hershey’s!

But really, that’s neither here nor there. I’m here to talk about Twizzlers’ seasonal variant, Twizzlers Tweeterz. My sample came from Easter 2006, so there is no guarantee that you’ll ever see these things on the shelves again. However, luck may be on your side as a Google Search turns up results for a Halloween package that includes orange and grape varieties.

Tweeterz are bits of Twizzlers-brand candy (I hesitate to say licorice because the only true licorice is the tasty black stuff). The bluebird on the package is wishing you a happy Easter, unaware that you’ll be eating its eggs well into the next year. In fact, by the time this review is posted, 2007’s Easter candy may already be on shelves.

FAST FOOD FACTS: Serving Size: 24 tweeterz. Calories: 130. Fat: 0g. These are entirely vegan.

The Easter version of Twizzlers Tweeterz come in three fruity flavors: cherry (red), strawberry (pink), and blue raspberry (blue). Chances are that you know exactly what two of the three of these taste like. Cherry and Strawberry are two of Twizzlers’ classic flavors. Blue raspberry tastes like neither blueberry (which is not raspberry) nor raspberry (which is not blue). It tastes almost exactly the same as its red cherry brethren. The candy coating adds absolutely nothing to the treat. If the shell is also fruit-flavored, I’m unable to tell. It’s almost certainly pure sugar, adding nothing but almost-sickening sweetness to the equation.

So what does that leave you with? Little bits of Twizzlers. I wouldn’t pick these up if I were you, because Twizzlers are best enjoyed in whip form.