Spoodles the Living Dummy and the Temple of Peeps

As we speak, Halloween merchandise is flooding the stores. This is the start of the consumer holiday season, which is really less of a season and more of a “half-year.” Halloween runs into Christmas which begets Valentine’s Day which ejaculates Easter until our wallets are empty for the summer and we can’t buy that motorboat we’ve always wanted.

Good things do come out of it, though, and unsurprisingly, one of my favorites is the Marshmallow Peep, manufactured by Just Born. Sure, I’ve been living year-round on my stockpile, which does not seem to be shrinking at any considerable rate, but there’s something to be said about fresh Peeps. They’re smooshy and wonderful and you can almost see them being picked fresh off the tree by some nomadic immigrant who uses his precious marshmallow money on the finest-gruel-money-can-buy for his three small children, who are named Chaquita and Bananas.

I don’t believe there’s anything new in the works for this Halloween, so look out for your usual suspects of Pumpkins, Ghosts, and Spooky Cats (as well as their African-American brothers, the delicious Cocoa Cats).

I like to consider myself an idea man. Every time I come up with something I really like, it seems to be stolen from my mind and projected onto television screens across the country. I created a character named Bonkers the Clown, who I would frequently draw. Soon after, the Disney Afternoon introduced a crappy and short-lived television show called Bonkers and I got sad.

Another character I liked to draw was called Scarface the Living Dummy, a murderous ventriloquist’s puppet with a big, honking scar on his face. Then I started watching Batman the Animated Series, which features a damn murderous puppet named Scarface. Obviously there is some sort of nude conspiracy afoot.

Since then, I’ve been dreaming up crazy contraptions and hoping the aliens come back to steal them from my brain. Apparently we’re still years away from a fully-functioning homework machine, but I also aim low. What about this. Pumpkin-Pie-flavored Marshmallow Peeps. Suckle on the hardened teat of the November holiday, Just Born. Suckle on the hardened teat of my genius.

If I dream hard enough, it’s bound to happen, right? Right?

Another ramble drafted on the lunch break of your friendly neighborhood Spoodles.

Tubular Twizzlers Tweeterz, Terrance!

I was at the grocery store the other day looking at the candy section and shaking my head. And why? Limited Edition candies, of course.

The candy companies have been releasing the things for years and years, of course, but slapping the words “Limited Edition” on them is a fairly recent phenomenon. We used to call it “test marketing to see if people will actually buy the new, shitty product.” Hershey’s Kisses come in any variety of flavors, for instance. Chocolate, white chocolate, dark chocolate, caramel filled, cream filled, peanut butter filled, cordial cherry filled, coconut cream filled, almond filled, dulce de leche filled, toffee filled, chocolate truffle filled, orange flavored, strawberry flavored, mint flavored. It’s fucking ridiculous. When I was a kid, we ate Hershey’s Kisses in one exciting flavor: milk chocolate. And you know what? Nobody ever once thought to say “this flavor is not good enough and I would like a wide variety of shitty flavors from which to choose.” There’s absolutely no reason for them to keep releasing more and more crap.

If they do, though, I have some suggestions that could make me very rich. Key Lime flavored Kisses. Flavor that bad boy with cinnamon! Hershey’s kisses filled with marshmallow! Or maybe a seasonal variant that is filled with pumpkin pie filling (or chunks of candy cane). Expand into the other varieties of nuts: pecans, peanuts, hazelnuts, whatever. Put pretzels in there, and potato chips. Hell, even cheese doodles. Crunchy cookies. Nougat. Whatever the hell it is that’s inside of a Butterfinger. Rice krispies, or any other cereal for that matter! Salt water taffy! Molasses! Maple syrup! Honey! All of your favorite jams and jellies! Oh, cheesecake! Fat people love cheesecake! Coffee beans (or at least coffee flavoring). You’ve already hit orange and strawberry: now go with banana. Pineapple! Grape! Get some mixed berries in there. Apple pie filling? Certainly! I think Hershey’s owns Twizzlers: start coating those things in Kisses. Licorice of any sort will do, really. I bet they could buy out Pop Rocks for surprisingly little. Throw ‘em in! Charms seemed to have some success with their Blow Pops. Maybe it’s time to stick some bubble gum in there (in a variety of flavors, of course). And why stop at that? Fill them with essential nutrients and put them next to the Flintstones vitamins on the shelf. Or put toothpaste in there and use them as an alternative to brushing your teeth. Or sell them in your grocer’s freezer with bits of precooked meat in there! Or eggs! And of course, with that comes the vegetarian alternatives: chocolate coated soy meat and the like. Can you imagine the possibilities? Chocolate isn’t enough for today’s consumer. They need to supplement it with some bizarre and off-the-wall filling that has no right being involved with a delicious sweet. I’d be rolling in the dough (which reminds me: cookie dough!) if I worked for Hershey’s corporation. I’m sure there are tons more! Those are just the ideas I came up with while I was waiting in line at the checkout. Give me more time, Hershey’s!

But really, that’s neither here nor there. I’m here to talk about Twizzlers’ seasonal variant, Twizzlers Tweeterz. My sample came from Easter 2006, so there is no guarantee that you’ll ever see these things on the shelves again. However, luck may be on your side as a Google Search turns up results for a Halloween package that includes orange and grape varieties.

Tweeterz are bits of Twizzlers-brand candy (I hesitate to say licorice because the only true licorice is the tasty black stuff). The bluebird on the package is wishing you a happy Easter, unaware that you’ll be eating its eggs well into the next year. In fact, by the time this review is posted, 2007’s Easter candy may already be on shelves.

FAST FOOD FACTS: Serving Size: 24 tweeterz. Calories: 130. Fat: 0g. These are entirely vegan.

The Easter version of Twizzlers Tweeterz come in three fruity flavors: cherry (red), strawberry (pink), and blue raspberry (blue). Chances are that you know exactly what two of the three of these taste like. Cherry and Strawberry are two of Twizzlers’ classic flavors. Blue raspberry tastes like neither blueberry (which is not raspberry) nor raspberry (which is not blue). It tastes almost exactly the same as its red cherry brethren. The candy coating adds absolutely nothing to the treat. If the shell is also fruit-flavored, I’m unable to tell. It’s almost certainly pure sugar, adding nothing but almost-sickening sweetness to the equation.

So what does that leave you with? Little bits of Twizzlers. I wouldn’t pick these up if I were you, because Twizzlers are best enjoyed in whip form.