Archive for philadelphia

“And it was the best thing I ever done!”

Posted in food with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 3, 2008 by uglydudefood

I was perusing my non-food blogroll, I stumbled across Hump Day Stories, which had a wonderful, food-relevant post this morning in regards to the late, apparently-great Williams Smoke House ribs.

I swear to God, [the rib] was so good that I dropped it and stared at it. My eyes were wide. I was looking at the rib like I just watched it punch my mother in the face, like I was angry at it for what it had done to me. In a sense, I was, but only because I equate pleasure with anger due to my damaged childhood. The bite of meat was already starting to melt in my mouth, the sauce mixing with fat and salt. Simply put, it was the most perfect bite of food I’ve ever taken.

I read this and just knew. Back in my younger, fatter, meat-eating days, I had one goal in life: to recreate my first Tony Luke’s experience.

I must have been in middle school. We were just settling down to a warm winter’s intolerable Philadelphia 76ers basketball game (intolerable not because of the fact that the Sixers were playing poorly, but because watching organized sports makes my eyeballs want to bleed).

With not much time before we had to hit the nosebleeds, we stopped by what looked like a rinky-dink shack under a bridge–Tony Luke’s. My father and brother grabbed Philly cheesesteaks (or as “Philly cheesesteak” as my family gets, which is to say that they were simply beef and American cheese, topped with far more ketchup than any one bun can hold), and I opted for the Roast Pork with Sharp Provolone.

I’m not sure what did it for me. Was it my first-ever taste of sharp provolone cheese? Fresh, tender pork? A big old white bun full of fat? I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure I had my first-ever orgasm then and there. From that moment on, it was my goal to recreate that heavenly experience in my own kitchen.

Problem number one: I was thirteen years old, and without a source of income or outside food. Problem number two: we never had pork just plain-ol’ lying around. I was stuck with Steakumms. The cheese situation was slightly–but barely–better. We usually had a block of extra-sharp cheddar cheese sitting in the refrigerator. It was close, but clearly not the same, I chopped up four-to-five Steakumms and melted upwards of a quarter pound of fatty, delicious cheese. They fried in their own fats and juices until the whole thing was one congealed patty of cheese and low-grade cowmeat.

Needless to say, I had no success in recreating that first Tony Luke’s moment. In fact, the only success I had was in the weight-gain department. These experimental cheesesteaks brought me from a plump 260 pounds to a morbid 300, which in turn caused me to take control of my life and become an obsessive-compulsive, anorexic, vegetarian freak.

Thanks a lot, Tony Luke’s.

So I would like to ask the readership (which is, at this point, nonexistent): what is the absolute best meal you’ve ever had? Did you have a transcendent experience like Geth over at Hump Day Stories? Do you find yourself “chasing the dragon” to relive a certain food-type experience that will never come?

Travelogue: Florida, 1997

Posted in food with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 1, 2007 by uglydudefood

We took a crazy and fun family road trip to Florida in 1997. My sister Amy/”Melvin” was keeping a running log that actually stopped before we hit Disney, but all is forgiven because she was ten years old and apparently retarded. Anyway, here is an illustrated Travelogue through the eyes of the coolest ten-year-old girl I knew.


87/2/97

We left for Florida! Things went off to a rocky start. Mike asked Dan to get a comb for him when mommy asked him them to get their combs. Mom said Mike was a “Lazy fat Ass”. Mike jumped up and said I’m not going and left. We got him back in the car and we stopped for gas. Now it’s off to drop off our mail and off we go. Mom wants to get to South Carolina today. We’re making bet’s on which day the door handle will break. Amy day we get to Disney 9th. Dan takes the 10th Mike says tomorrow (3rd). Mom say’s 14th. Dad says it just won’t. We’re playing the lisence plate game the hole time. 9:22am we’re in Maryland.

We are in Virginia 11:02am. We ate lunch at the Virginia Welcome center. Now to Mad libs. (We already played tribond Mike won). continued

We reached North Carolina 3:46pm.

We played Yatzee

We arrived in South of the border (South Carolina 6:52 pm

I got a south of the border coin and Keychain. We stopped at day’s Inn. It would be about 55 dollars. We decided to look on. We might go back. We checked out the prices at the Comfort Inn. It’s full. We decided to check travelers inn. It’s way to expenseve. We’re going back to the day’s Inn. We went swimming and took a dip in the hot tub. We went to Burger King. We traveled 564.1 yesturday today.

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87/3/97

We woke up but the boys wouldn’t get up they wasted like ten minutes. We went and got a continental breakfast free. Now we’re at a Pilot travel center for gas. We’re in Georgia 11:42am. Dan is a Bad driver. He almost killed us twice. No driving for him. We’re in Florida 2:15. We went to Quincys Mom said it was dirty. (It was). Dad said “Florida’s a long ass state”. Dan says “It is a penis”. We went swimming and then went to McDonalds for a snack. We’re staying at is stinky Mirage (Best Western). Today we drive 603.2 miles. Oh yeah! I got a yak at Mc D. It’s name is yacity.


8/4/97

We took showers and went to Ihop for breakfast. When we left mom and dad kepy driving the car back and forth in the car cause mom couldn’t read the map right. We went to the Philly’s Spring Training feild. We were just in the gulf Of Mexico. It was fun. We jumped in to wave and colleted shells. Mom and Dad didn’t come in swim with us. (they walked into there knees). We went to the Yankee’s spring training place next. We weren’t supposed to park but dad did. Mom just wanted to leave. We stopped at a Shoney’s for supper. We drove on a little and stopped at a Red Roof Inn. Dan, Mike, and I went swimming While mom and dad went to wash the car. When they got back they swimming also. There was a spa but it was to hot. Plus there were guys drinking beer. We all (kids) took showers, and went to bed.

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8/5/97

We all got up. When I was the brushing my teeth, and I saw a lizard. We left and stopped at a gas station with gas. We stopped ata Burger King for Break. Then we headed to the EverGlades. When we got there we went to a gater park. Then to a hike, and on a boat ride. On the hike we saw little crabs that looked like spiders. On the boat ride we saw racoons and alligators. We got to hold a baby alligator mom and dad choose not to. After that we had the 1 hr. boat ride we went to the national park for a two hr. tram ride. We saw a white herring and a blue one, We saw volchers, we saw a bird with a snake in it’s mouth. We saw deer, (which are smaller then P.A.’s and a buck fawn), alligators. and a neat turtle all black!! The tour guide sort of sounded like Cristian in my oppinion. (Cristian was a A.D. at camp!) After that was over we went to a Wendy’s where we decided to go all the ways to the Key West. (We crossed 49 bridges to go there. Once hear it took us like an hour to find a hotel. We ended up at a Howarad Jhonson’s. It’s a Motel but across the street it was a resturant. We walked to the resturant we had dessert. it was the only thing we had time for. (Mike didn’t have any he said non sounded good) We walked across the street to a K’s market. We got drinks and candy bar’s. Then we went back to H. J.

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8/6/97

We left H.J.’s and dropped the car van off at a parking lot. We got tickets to ride a tram around Key West. Werode by alot of interesting places. We got off to go to the Hemmingway House. There were alot of cats. 52 to be exact. (Hemmingway was a writter). We got back on. Then we got off at the Southernmost point. (90 miles to Cuba. Then we finished the tram ride. When we got back we went to Sloppy Joe’s to have lunch Then we looked around in shop. Now we’re on are way to Miami but. We stopped at a Dairy Queen. Daddy’s kidney hurts. We are staying at a days in. I hope it’s nothing real serious. He had a kidney stone.

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UNDETERMINED DATE

Sorry i stopped writing i will put certain things i remember–


The end.