Archive for nuts

Happy Administrative Professionals’ Day…to me!

Posted in food with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 24, 2008 by uglydudefood

I went into work today to find a big frigging gift bag smack in the middle of my desk.

BLAM.

My first thought was that I missed my birthday. Turns out that today is Administrative Professionals’ Day. Take a moment to laugh at the professional spin they gave the old-time “Secretaries’ Day.”

Out of your system? Good. Because apparently those of us who bust our humps day-in and day-out to file your paperwork are special. How special? Special enough to get lots and lots of glorious stuff!

There are some negatives to having your coworkers know about your crazy, obsessive-compulsive dieting. There’s those that express concern–either fake or sincere-but-misguided. There are people that will ask and comment about your diet incessantly. However, all of that goes away when people get you a big ol’ bag of food.

Granola from Dingeldein Bakery. There is no official webpage for the Dingeldein Bakery, but it’s probably the most costly bakery in the city of Harrisburg, PA. I was really, really looking forward to crunching on this stuff. I opened it immediately after work and ate a serving. I’ve never had plain granola before (only in super-saccharine bar form), but this stuff was incredible. Raisins and nuts and what I’d assume to be honey combine to form this delicious, dense conglomeration. Now I will stop describing something that everybody else already eats.

Sugar-free candy! Included were packs of Extra Spearmint gum, Sweet ‘N Low Sugar Free Brand hard candies in both Fruit Flavors and International Coffee Flavors, and “Just Chocolate” hard candies.

And, if that’s not all, there was a $25 gift card to my grocery store. That will come in handy, whether it’s just to stock up on fresh fruits and vegetables (cherry season is coming up, after all) or to gas up my car for the frequent hour-long commutes to my girlfriend’s house.

I’ll certainly be remembering this come Bosses’ Day!

What happens to those people right gob in the middle of the totem pole? We celebrate the head-honchos on Bosses’ Day (October 16) and the bottom-feeders on Administrative Professionals’ Day. Do the sandwich-meat (whatever menial position they tend to hold) just get to live day-to-day, happy in the fact that they’re benefiting from the knowledge and hard work of their supervisors and secretaries?

Tubular Twizzlers Tweeterz, Terrance!

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 13, 2007 by uglydudefood

I was at the grocery store the other day looking at the candy section and shaking my head. And why? Limited Edition candies, of course.

The candy companies have been releasing the things for years and years, of course, but slapping the words “Limited Edition” on them is a fairly recent phenomenon. We used to call it “test marketing to see if people will actually buy the new, shitty product.” Hershey’s Kisses come in any variety of flavors, for instance. Chocolate, white chocolate, dark chocolate, caramel filled, cream filled, peanut butter filled, cordial cherry filled, coconut cream filled, almond filled, dulce de leche filled, toffee filled, chocolate truffle filled, orange flavored, strawberry flavored, mint flavored. It’s fucking ridiculous. When I was a kid, we ate Hershey’s Kisses in one exciting flavor: milk chocolate. And you know what? Nobody ever once thought to say “this flavor is not good enough and I would like a wide variety of shitty flavors from which to choose.” There’s absolutely no reason for them to keep releasing more and more crap.

If they do, though, I have some suggestions that could make me very rich. Key Lime flavored Kisses. Flavor that bad boy with cinnamon! Hershey’s kisses filled with marshmallow! Or maybe a seasonal variant that is filled with pumpkin pie filling (or chunks of candy cane). Expand into the other varieties of nuts: pecans, peanuts, hazelnuts, whatever. Put pretzels in there, and potato chips. Hell, even cheese doodles. Crunchy cookies. Nougat. Whatever the hell it is that’s inside of a Butterfinger. Rice krispies, or any other cereal for that matter! Salt water taffy! Molasses! Maple syrup! Honey! All of your favorite jams and jellies! Oh, cheesecake! Fat people love cheesecake! Coffee beans (or at least coffee flavoring). You’ve already hit orange and strawberry: now go with banana. Pineapple! Grape! Get some mixed berries in there. Apple pie filling? Certainly! I think Hershey’s owns Twizzlers: start coating those things in Kisses. Licorice of any sort will do, really. I bet they could buy out Pop Rocks for surprisingly little. Throw ‘em in! Charms seemed to have some success with their Blow Pops. Maybe it’s time to stick some bubble gum in there (in a variety of flavors, of course). And why stop at that? Fill them with essential nutrients and put them next to the Flintstones vitamins on the shelf. Or put toothpaste in there and use them as an alternative to brushing your teeth. Or sell them in your grocer’s freezer with bits of precooked meat in there! Or eggs! And of course, with that comes the vegetarian alternatives: chocolate coated soy meat and the like. Can you imagine the possibilities? Chocolate isn’t enough for today’s consumer. They need to supplement it with some bizarre and off-the-wall filling that has no right being involved with a delicious sweet. I’d be rolling in the dough (which reminds me: cookie dough!) if I worked for Hershey’s corporation. I’m sure there are tons more! Those are just the ideas I came up with while I was waiting in line at the checkout. Give me more time, Hershey’s!

But really, that’s neither here nor there. I’m here to talk about Twizzlers’ seasonal variant, Twizzlers Tweeterz. My sample came from Easter 2006, so there is no guarantee that you’ll ever see these things on the shelves again. However, luck may be on your side as a Google Search turns up results for a Halloween package that includes orange and grape varieties.

Tweeterz are bits of Twizzlers-brand candy (I hesitate to say licorice because the only true licorice is the tasty black stuff). The bluebird on the package is wishing you a happy Easter, unaware that you’ll be eating its eggs well into the next year. In fact, by the time this review is posted, 2007’s Easter candy may already be on shelves.

FAST FOOD FACTS: Serving Size: 24 tweeterz. Calories: 130. Fat: 0g. These are entirely vegan.

The Easter version of Twizzlers Tweeterz come in three fruity flavors: cherry (red), strawberry (pink), and blue raspberry (blue). Chances are that you know exactly what two of the three of these taste like. Cherry and Strawberry are two of Twizzlers’ classic flavors. Blue raspberry tastes like neither blueberry (which is not raspberry) nor raspberry (which is not blue). It tastes almost exactly the same as its red cherry brethren. The candy coating adds absolutely nothing to the treat. If the shell is also fruit-flavored, I’m unable to tell. It’s almost certainly pure sugar, adding nothing but almost-sickening sweetness to the equation.

So what does that leave you with? Little bits of Twizzlers. I wouldn’t pick these up if I were you, because Twizzlers are best enjoyed in whip form.

Self-Inflicted

Posted in fiction, food with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 2, 2005 by uglydudefood