Archive for milk

Tuesdays with Dorie – Chocolate Pudding Disaster

Posted in baking, food, meme, tuesdays with dorie with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 15, 2008 by uglydudefood

Last week’s Double Crusted Blueberry Pie was DIFFICULT.  I was so happy to hear that this week’s would be chocolate pudding, a recipe I’ve made dozens of times.

1)  Open packet of pudding mix.

2)  Add milk and/or water.

3)  Shake shake shake shake shake.

Okay, so it’s bound to be more difficult than that, but not much, right?

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

I didn’t have to buy any new equipment for this recipe, which is nice after last week’s $50 investment.  I picked up some whole milk (I am trying to follow these recipes to the letter at the moment).  Otherwise, the rest are pretty standard pantry items.  I typoed earlier and wrote “panty items,” but I swear it wasn’t Freudian.

I substituted semisweet chocolate chips for the bittersweet chocolate chips, which didn’t seem like it’d be too big of a problem.  It’s better than another emergency run to the grocery store.  Gas ain’t cheap.

What follows is a testament in my ability to ignore instructions totally; make the biggest messes; and have the worst luck in the world.

MISTAKE #1: Dorie Sez:  “Add the dry ingredients.”  I add the pre-mixed dry ingredients (cornstarch, cocoa powder, salt, sugar), and then for some reason I also add the chocolate chips and the butter (which come far later in the process).

MISTAKE #2: When adding boiling milk to the food processor through the top hole, be sure to remove the “pusher” from the hole–otherwise the milk will go all over your food processor, counter, floor, pants, etc.

MISTAKE #3: Not so much a mistake as a capper to the whole thing.  I tried to salvage my batch of pudding, and in the step where you pour it BACK into the saucepan, I missed the pan with half of the pudding.

It wasn’t all my fault though.  I was blessed with the leakiest food processor ever.  The end result?

This:

And this:

And this:

That’s right.  That was my end result.  It looked and tasted like chocolate porridge–not entirely unpleasing, but not entirely pudding either.  I was devastated.  I didn’t want to do Tuesdays with Dorie anymore.  I didn’t want to bake.  I didn’t want to blog.  I just wanted to go to sleep.

While I could easily have gone with the “ugly food for an ugly dude” excuse, I had to prevail.  After some cleanup, it was round two.   After chastising myself and rereading the recipe multiple times, I was good to go.  I followed it to the letter.

Success!  It felt so good to actually do something right.  Sure, my food processor is still leaky.  And sure, my floor has reached levels of stickiness as of yet unknown to mankind.  But I HAVE SIX CUPS OF PUDDING.  Tastes pretty good, too.  Far better than that instant pudding, no matter how fun it is to shake it all up.

The rest will go towards the dinner I’m cooking for my girlfriend Rachel tomorrow.  The menu:  baked chicken breasts, corn on the cob, salad, chocolate pudding.  I’ve never cooked anybody a real dinner before, so wish me luck.  If all else fails, I’ll have a lot of extra pudding.

Things I’ve Learned

1.  Read carefully.
2.  If at first you don’t succeed, etc!

For 1/6 of the recipe:

Nutrition Facts
Serving Size 138.3g
Amount Per Serving
Calories

252
Calories from Fat

144
% Daily Value*
Total Fat

16.0g
25%
Saturated Fat

9.2g
46%
Cholesterol

120mg
40%
Sodium

174mg
7%
Total Carbohydrates

23.0g
8%
Dietary Fiber

2.3g
9%
Sugars

18.5g
Protein

6.8g
Vitamin A 7% Vitamin C 0%
Calcium 12% Iron 3%
* Based on a 2000 calorie diet

Nutritional details are an estimate and should only be used as a guide for approximation

Loco for choco

Posted in food with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 13, 2008 by uglydudefood

I used to love milk chocolate. Then I went on a crazy, obsessive diet and cut all chocolate out of my life for a period of years. When I finally decided to return to the realm of the healthy and the sane, the typical Hershey’s bars (even the Special Dark which contains more milk and sugar than any good dark chocolate bar should) left me with a nasty, saccharine taste in my mouth.

One day I was wandering through the “health food” section of my grocery store–although really, how much healthier is “organic” macaroni and cheese compared to a blue box of Kraft Dinner?–and I passed a rack of chocolates I had never seen before. They all had weird numbers on them and they told me where they were from. What the what? I picked up a 55% dark chocolate Chocolove bar. It was exquisite. Instead of an overload of sugar or almost-artificial creaminess, there was depth to this candy. This candy had secrets.

I couldn’t get enough. As I continued on my journey, the percentages kept getting higher and higher. 70%. 80%. My life changed the moment I put a chunk of Endangered Species 88% dark chocolate in my gob.

But there was a problem.

The numbers stopped going up. My grocery store didn’t carry any chocolate darker than that 88% bar. I wanted more! More complexity! Would I live my life forever chasing the dragon, trying to relive my first 88% cacao experience?

Not if the baking aisle had anything to say about it. I marched right up to the unsweetened baking chocolate rack–which, in hindsight, probably looked pretty silly–and I grabbed a bar of Hershey’s finest 100% chocolate. It had to be good, right? I mean, my experience has done nothing to discourage the belief that higher cacao percentage equals higher deliciousness percentage.

Mistake.

I guess this post is meant to say that I love dark chocolate. I love dark chocolate ever so much. In fact, I may be the only living proof of going retarded over chocolate that you’ll ever actually see.

Amano Artisan Chocolate produces some of the most wonderful, complicated dark chocolate flavors out there.   I was lucky enough to receive over $21 worth of their chocolate for free from BlakeMakes.

Via Amano’s website:  “In a world of mass-produced merchandise, Amano strives to return to chocolate’s roots by making the chocolate slowly and in very small batches while concentrating on developing the finest flavors possible. There is much fine chocolate made throughout the world. Each company or artisan has its own unique vision. We hope that you will share Amano’s vision of quality without compromise.”

Due to the fact that this is probably the most expensive chocolate I’ll ever eat, I feel like I need more ceremony than just chomping on the bar.  Any suggestions on what to do with some really, really good dark chocolate?  Should I use it to bake something? Share it with work friends and gauge reactions in some sort of faux-wine-tasting?  Or should I just chomp on it?

Recipe: Mike Spoodles’ Super-Healthy Apple Crisp

Posted in baking, food with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 16, 2008 by uglydudefood

Here is a recipe that I developed based upon a few recent experiments in the kitchen. The result is a cheap, easy, healthy, fast, and filling dessert.

MIKE SPOODLES’ SUPER-HEALTHY “APPLE CRISP”

INGREDIENTS

1 Granny Smith apple
1 1/2 Cup Wheaties
3 Tbsp. milk
1 tsp. cinnamon
2 tsp. Splenda

Microwave the apple much like you would “bake” a potato. Poke holes in it with a fork, and then loosely double-wrap the fruit in saran wrap. There is no need to core the apple, as the baking process will soften the entirety of the fruit. 5-7 minutes should do it.

Place the fruit in a blender or food processor. Add Splenda, milk (I used skim), and 1/2 Cup Wheaties. Blend briefly so that the mixture remains chunky but well-mixed. Don’t blend too much, or you will end up with baby food (which is still good, but fairly unnecessary).

Pour this mixture into a bowl. Stir in 1 cup Wheaties. Sprinkle cinnamon atop the “apple crisp.” Bon appetit!

Suggested serving: cover in 1/2 cup milk while still warm, and scarf it down while it’s still crunchy!

Look at the pictures! And you thought I was joking with the “Ugly Food” thing!

If you don’t want to use the Splenda–which may destroy your insides with its sweet chemical goodness–you can replace it with sugar, or replace the Wheaties with Frosted Flakes.

This “dessert” can also function as a breakfast. It’s essentially just a bowl of cereal with fruit and milk! A little creativity can turn your boring old whole-grain breakfast-of-champions into a special treat.

Nutrition Facts
Serving Size 240.2g
Amount Per Serving
Calories

293
Calories from Fat

12
% Daily Value*
Total Fat

1.3g
2%
Cholesterol

1mg
0%
Sodium

401mg
17%
Total Carbohydrates

67.2g
22%
Dietary Fiber

10.5g
42%
Protein

8.0g
Vitamin A 23% Vitamin C 31%
Calcium 13% Iron 92%
* Based on a 2000 calorie diet

Arbor Day

Posted in fiction, food with tags , , , , , on March 23, 2007 by uglydudefood

Annie Pitts cuffed her right hand to her husband Leroy’s left hand. Then she did the same, except with the opposite hands.

“Nobody else is here.” Leroy’s face was pressed on the bark.

“They’ll be here,” Annie replied. She could not see Leroy.

“It’s raining.”

“So?” Annie’s face was not pressed on bark.

“So they don’t cut down trees when it’s raining.”

The rain got harder.

“None of your friends are here either,” Leroy said.

“They’ll be here.”

“It’s raining.” Leroy was wet. “Where are the keys?”

“In my pocket.”

“Give me the keys.”

“Leroy.”

“Give me the keys.”

“Leroy.”

“May I please have the keys?”

Annie couldn’t reach her pocket. “You have to bring your arms down, Leroy.”

“I can’t get them down any further, Annie dear. There’s a big freaking branch right here.

There was a big freaking branch right there.

“Well I can’t reach my pockets, Leroy.”

“Is it murder to break off the branch?”

“Leroy! It’s Arbor Day!”

“Well that’s just great.” Leroy shook his arm like mad, and the chain banged against the tree branch. The cuff tightened and his wrist began to bleed. “Well that’s just great.”

“Maybe if I get on top of it I could reach my pocket.”

“Do it.”

Annie and Leroy sidled around the tree until Leroy’s shoulder bumped into the branch.

“Wrong way,” Leroy said.

They two-stepped the other way until Annie’s face was pressed against the branch.

“How am I gonna get up there?”

“Try to kick your leg up there,” Leroy said. “Then I’ll just keep going counter-clockwise and the cuffs will pull you up.”

“My arm will fall off!”

Leroy did not respond. Annie sighed and started kicking. She didn’t even come close. After five minutes she stopped.

“Well,” she said, “we’re just going to have to wait for the rest of them to get here.”

“It’s raining,” Leroy said.


“We really ripped that fucker out by the roots, didn’t we?” Leroy was dry.

Annie did not look amused.

Leroy continued laughing as he took a bite out of a block of smoked cheese shaped like a pig. “Right by the roots.”

“You’re disgusting,” Annie said. Her right arm was in a pale green cast that matched the wall perfectly.

Leroy laughed harder and chewed up cheese mush came out of his nose. He pulled a napkin from his lap and wiped his face, smearing the cheese across his lip like a mustache.

“We were saving the world and we ended up destroying precious life!” Annie wiped bits of smoked cheese pig from her blouse with her good hand.

“It was a damn tree, Annie!” Leroy accidentally bit the inside of his lip. “They were just going to cut it down anyway.” He washed the blood and cheese from his mouth with a swig of whole milk.

A shout-out to my Peeps

Posted in food with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 24, 2006 by uglydudefood

Yes, that’s right. That’s eight, count ’em, eight packages of virgin Marshmallow Peeps in FIVE DIFFERENT FLAVORS, just ripe for the plucking. Every pack-o’-Peeps has a story, and every story has a beginning. And an end. And creamy, marshmallow innards.

Note that I was originally going to have a charming picture of each Peeps package to go with the stories. However, apparently the only thing that eats AA batteries faster than my digital camera is toddlers, so this will have to do.

MARSHMALLOW PEEPS Christmas Decorating Kit

In the beginning, there was the Christmas Decorating Kit. Don’t get me wrong-o. Everypeep and its crazy uncle were around before the Peeps Decorating Kits hit the shelves. However, this package is what started the whole Peep-hoarding experience. We can all thank the sometimes-saucy but ever-lovely Toni Grogan for this one. Toni Grogan, not to be confused with Tony Almeida (who eats terrorists for breakfast, and poops out Olympic gold medals at brunch), gave this package of scrumptious Peepage as a post-holiday gift. It may have been the single greatest gift I’ve ever received. Six, oversized Tree-shaped Peeps are included, as well as a tube of red Decorating Gel. The Decorating Kits for every season include multiple gel-colors, but even I am not that Peep-crazy. One pack’ll do. Decorate one for holiday fun!

MARSHMALLOW PEEPS Cutouts (Holiday Cookie Flavored)

These Peeps have actually been in my possession longer than the aforementioned Decorating Kit. However, before Toni’s generosity overwhelmed me, I planned on eating these little Gingerbread-Cookie-shaped buggers. Donated to the Peeps Gallery by my mother, they sat in my apartment freezer over the winter break, next to a bag of green-apple Twizzlers and a bag of frozen broccoli. I mention this, because the Peeps package now has the distinct odor of rotten ass. This doesn’t make me want to eat them any less, mind you. I’ve sampled the Cookie-Dough Peep before, and it is nothing short of exquisite. The best Peep ever. Six Peeps are in the package–three men and three women. Makes a great stocking stuffer!

MARSHMALLOW PEEPS Hearts: Strawberry Creme

Score one for the little guy. This is the first independently-sought piece in my collection. I bought these at the Harrisburg K-Mart when I was searching in vain for the new Star Wars action figures. Turns out that Valentine’s Day begins over a month early, and the racks are currently filled with chocolate roses, spermicidal lubricant, and lima-bean panties. It’s no Chewbacca WITH NEW ACTION CHAIN!!!!!!1 but it’ll do. I’ve never had the Strawberry flavor of Peep, but my desire to let all of my Peeps get stale and hard and tasty will prohibit that from happening for some time. Nine pink hearts to a pack, but it only takes one heart to be lonely. Mine. Get it? Because I’m single? Ladies? These hearts are Artificially Flavored, but my heart tastes like blood naturally.

MARSHMALLOW PEEPS Hearts: Vanilla Creme

Immediately after I stopped moping about the last round of Valentine’s treats, this showed up on my bed. More tears of anguish. I’m not sure where this came from, exactly: I’d put money on my mom, who has been trying to fatten me up since the great Anorexia Scare of 2005. Little did she know, SHE MADE ME LONELY! Look! They’re little hearts! They are white! There are sprinkles of red all over them! There are nine in a pack! The Vanilla flavor is probably delicious but I’ll never know because I want them stale! HOW COULD SHE NOT KNOW THIS! Did I mention Marshmallow Peeps are a Fat-Free Candy?

MARSHMALLOW PEEPS Cocoa Cats

How? How did I come across these two packages of Cocoa Cats when this particular species is over three months out of season? Well, I’ll tell you how. Media Play went out of business, and all of their Halloween goodies were on sale for 90% OFF. They had the Cocoa Cats, which taste exactly like the delicious scum on top of a mug of hot chocolate, and they had another little treat. There are eight cats in a package, and each one has delightful yellow eyes and a mustache. Don’t eat these if you can’t tolerate the lactose, baby! This artificial flavor contains milk!

MARSHMALLOW PEEPS Halloween Decorating Kit

Well, I’m a bit stumped here. There’s hardly a story. I told you about the decorating kits in the first story, and I told you about my Media-Play-gasm in the previous story. Sure, I could tell you that there’s four Mondo-pumpkins in this package, or that you can Decorate One for Spooky Fun! However, I already told you that in the prior sentence. If I were to decorate these Halloween Peeps right now, I would probably make them into the New Kids on the Block. Joey was my favorite. He had dreamy eyes.

MARSHMALLOW PEEPS Hearts

There’s nothing special about these hearts. Sure, they are pink and heart-shaped like their more popular sisters the Vanilla-Creme and the Strawberry-Creme. However, unlike their kin, these hearts make me feel good about myself. Why? BECAUSE THEY ARE LONELY TOO. They are the kind of Peeps that would have an hour to spend writing about Marshmallow Peeps because they don’t have a lady. I picked them up on a lonely trip to Giant for apples, broccoli, and yogurt. There are only two Hearts in this package, and their arteries are clogged from all of fried chicken they eat to help themselves sleep at night. If you want to go into an elementary school and give these to your crush, there is a “TO:” and “FROM:” label on the back. I’d like to think I would have won some hearts with these.

So now I am on the prowl again, looking for new and exotic Peeps. I believe I am only missing one flavor (Easter Orange Creme), but there are all kinds of variations to hunt down.

Tonight I have to go see something called the Ailey II Dance Company. Music class is for bitches. Eat some marshmallows.