The smell of success

Air-freshening sprays. What? A bathroom is a room that will occasionally smell like poop and pee. When you spray Glade or some shit into the air, you are not hiding poop and pee. There is no hiding poop and pee. You’re just adding something else into the bouquet. In some cases, you are adding another annoying or offensive smell–flowers, whathaveyou. In other cases, you are including a wonderful smell and making me associate it with poop and pee–vanilla, cinnamon, and cetera. I do not want to smell poo in my Big Red, and I do not want to taste pee in my hot cocoa.

A shout-out to my Peeps

Yes, that’s right. That’s eight, count ’em, eight packages of virgin Marshmallow Peeps in FIVE DIFFERENT FLAVORS, just ripe for the plucking. Every pack-o’-Peeps has a story, and every story has a beginning. And an end. And creamy, marshmallow innards.

Note that I was originally going to have a charming picture of each Peeps package to go with the stories. However, apparently the only thing that eats AA batteries faster than my digital camera is toddlers, so this will have to do.

MARSHMALLOW PEEPS Christmas Decorating Kit

In the beginning, there was the Christmas Decorating Kit. Don’t get me wrong-o. Everypeep and its crazy uncle were around before the Peeps Decorating Kits hit the shelves. However, this package is what started the whole Peep-hoarding experience. We can all thank the sometimes-saucy but ever-lovely Toni Grogan for this one. Toni Grogan, not to be confused with Tony Almeida (who eats terrorists for breakfast, and poops out Olympic gold medals at brunch), gave this package of scrumptious Peepage as a post-holiday gift. It may have been the single greatest gift I’ve ever received. Six, oversized Tree-shaped Peeps are included, as well as a tube of red Decorating Gel. The Decorating Kits for every season include multiple gel-colors, but even I am not that Peep-crazy. One pack’ll do. Decorate one for holiday fun!

MARSHMALLOW PEEPS Cutouts (Holiday Cookie Flavored)

These Peeps have actually been in my possession longer than the aforementioned Decorating Kit. However, before Toni’s generosity overwhelmed me, I planned on eating these little Gingerbread-Cookie-shaped buggers. Donated to the Peeps Gallery by my mother, they sat in my apartment freezer over the winter break, next to a bag of green-apple Twizzlers and a bag of frozen broccoli. I mention this, because the Peeps package now has the distinct odor of rotten ass. This doesn’t make me want to eat them any less, mind you. I’ve sampled the Cookie-Dough Peep before, and it is nothing short of exquisite. The best Peep ever. Six Peeps are in the package–three men and three women. Makes a great stocking stuffer!

MARSHMALLOW PEEPS Hearts: Strawberry Creme

Score one for the little guy. This is the first independently-sought piece in my collection. I bought these at the Harrisburg K-Mart when I was searching in vain for the new Star Wars action figures. Turns out that Valentine’s Day begins over a month early, and the racks are currently filled with chocolate roses, spermicidal lubricant, and lima-bean panties. It’s no Chewbacca WITH NEW ACTION CHAIN!!!!!!1 but it’ll do. I’ve never had the Strawberry flavor of Peep, but my desire to let all of my Peeps get stale and hard and tasty will prohibit that from happening for some time. Nine pink hearts to a pack, but it only takes one heart to be lonely. Mine. Get it? Because I’m single? Ladies? These hearts are Artificially Flavored, but my heart tastes like blood naturally.

MARSHMALLOW PEEPS Hearts: Vanilla Creme

Immediately after I stopped moping about the last round of Valentine’s treats, this showed up on my bed. More tears of anguish. I’m not sure where this came from, exactly: I’d put money on my mom, who has been trying to fatten me up since the great Anorexia Scare of 2005. Little did she know, SHE MADE ME LONELY! Look! They’re little hearts! They are white! There are sprinkles of red all over them! There are nine in a pack! The Vanilla flavor is probably delicious but I’ll never know because I want them stale! HOW COULD SHE NOT KNOW THIS! Did I mention Marshmallow Peeps are a Fat-Free Candy?

MARSHMALLOW PEEPS Cocoa Cats

How? How did I come across these two packages of Cocoa Cats when this particular species is over three months out of season? Well, I’ll tell you how. Media Play went out of business, and all of their Halloween goodies were on sale for 90% OFF. They had the Cocoa Cats, which taste exactly like the delicious scum on top of a mug of hot chocolate, and they had another little treat. There are eight cats in a package, and each one has delightful yellow eyes and a mustache. Don’t eat these if you can’t tolerate the lactose, baby! This artificial flavor contains milk!

MARSHMALLOW PEEPS Halloween Decorating Kit

Well, I’m a bit stumped here. There’s hardly a story. I told you about the decorating kits in the first story, and I told you about my Media-Play-gasm in the previous story. Sure, I could tell you that there’s four Mondo-pumpkins in this package, or that you can Decorate One for Spooky Fun! However, I already told you that in the prior sentence. If I were to decorate these Halloween Peeps right now, I would probably make them into the New Kids on the Block. Joey was my favorite. He had dreamy eyes.

MARSHMALLOW PEEPS Hearts

There’s nothing special about these hearts. Sure, they are pink and heart-shaped like their more popular sisters the Vanilla-Creme and the Strawberry-Creme. However, unlike their kin, these hearts make me feel good about myself. Why? BECAUSE THEY ARE LONELY TOO. They are the kind of Peeps that would have an hour to spend writing about Marshmallow Peeps because they don’t have a lady. I picked them up on a lonely trip to Giant for apples, broccoli, and yogurt. There are only two Hearts in this package, and their arteries are clogged from all of fried chicken they eat to help themselves sleep at night. If you want to go into an elementary school and give these to your crush, there is a “TO:” and “FROM:” label on the back. I’d like to think I would have won some hearts with these.

So now I am on the prowl again, looking for new and exotic Peeps. I believe I am only missing one flavor (Easter Orange Creme), but there are all kinds of variations to hunt down.

Tonight I have to go see something called the Ailey II Dance Company. Music class is for bitches. Eat some marshmallows.