Archive for grapes

Tubular Twizzlers Tweeterz, Terrance!

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 13, 2007 by uglydudefood

I was at the grocery store the other day looking at the candy section and shaking my head. And why? Limited Edition candies, of course.

The candy companies have been releasing the things for years and years, of course, but slapping the words “Limited Edition” on them is a fairly recent phenomenon. We used to call it “test marketing to see if people will actually buy the new, shitty product.” Hershey’s Kisses come in any variety of flavors, for instance. Chocolate, white chocolate, dark chocolate, caramel filled, cream filled, peanut butter filled, cordial cherry filled, coconut cream filled, almond filled, dulce de leche filled, toffee filled, chocolate truffle filled, orange flavored, strawberry flavored, mint flavored. It’s fucking ridiculous. When I was a kid, we ate Hershey’s Kisses in one exciting flavor: milk chocolate. And you know what? Nobody ever once thought to say “this flavor is not good enough and I would like a wide variety of shitty flavors from which to choose.” There’s absolutely no reason for them to keep releasing more and more crap.

If they do, though, I have some suggestions that could make me very rich. Key Lime flavored Kisses. Flavor that bad boy with cinnamon! Hershey’s kisses filled with marshmallow! Or maybe a seasonal variant that is filled with pumpkin pie filling (or chunks of candy cane). Expand into the other varieties of nuts: pecans, peanuts, hazelnuts, whatever. Put pretzels in there, and potato chips. Hell, even cheese doodles. Crunchy cookies. Nougat. Whatever the hell it is that’s inside of a Butterfinger. Rice krispies, or any other cereal for that matter! Salt water taffy! Molasses! Maple syrup! Honey! All of your favorite jams and jellies! Oh, cheesecake! Fat people love cheesecake! Coffee beans (or at least coffee flavoring). You’ve already hit orange and strawberry: now go with banana. Pineapple! Grape! Get some mixed berries in there. Apple pie filling? Certainly! I think Hershey’s owns Twizzlers: start coating those things in Kisses. Licorice of any sort will do, really. I bet they could buy out Pop Rocks for surprisingly little. Throw ‘em in! Charms seemed to have some success with their Blow Pops. Maybe it’s time to stick some bubble gum in there (in a variety of flavors, of course). And why stop at that? Fill them with essential nutrients and put them next to the Flintstones vitamins on the shelf. Or put toothpaste in there and use them as an alternative to brushing your teeth. Or sell them in your grocer’s freezer with bits of precooked meat in there! Or eggs! And of course, with that comes the vegetarian alternatives: chocolate coated soy meat and the like. Can you imagine the possibilities? Chocolate isn’t enough for today’s consumer. They need to supplement it with some bizarre and off-the-wall filling that has no right being involved with a delicious sweet. I’d be rolling in the dough (which reminds me: cookie dough!) if I worked for Hershey’s corporation. I’m sure there are tons more! Those are just the ideas I came up with while I was waiting in line at the checkout. Give me more time, Hershey’s!

But really, that’s neither here nor there. I’m here to talk about Twizzlers’ seasonal variant, Twizzlers Tweeterz. My sample came from Easter 2006, so there is no guarantee that you’ll ever see these things on the shelves again. However, luck may be on your side as a Google Search turns up results for a Halloween package that includes orange and grape varieties.

Tweeterz are bits of Twizzlers-brand candy (I hesitate to say licorice because the only true licorice is the tasty black stuff). The bluebird on the package is wishing you a happy Easter, unaware that you’ll be eating its eggs well into the next year. In fact, by the time this review is posted, 2007’s Easter candy may already be on shelves.

FAST FOOD FACTS: Serving Size: 24 tweeterz. Calories: 130. Fat: 0g. These are entirely vegan.

The Easter version of Twizzlers Tweeterz come in three fruity flavors: cherry (red), strawberry (pink), and blue raspberry (blue). Chances are that you know exactly what two of the three of these taste like. Cherry and Strawberry are two of Twizzlers’ classic flavors. Blue raspberry tastes like neither blueberry (which is not raspberry) nor raspberry (which is not blue). It tastes almost exactly the same as its red cherry brethren. The candy coating adds absolutely nothing to the treat. If the shell is also fruit-flavored, I’m unable to tell. It’s almost certainly pure sugar, adding nothing but almost-sickening sweetness to the equation.

So what does that leave you with? Little bits of Twizzlers. I wouldn’t pick these up if I were you, because Twizzlers are best enjoyed in whip form.

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Gummi Rabbit: the other white meat

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 7, 2007 by uglydudefood

Sour Grapes

Posted in fiction, food with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 11, 2004 by uglydudefood

We met in the supermarket. She was pushing her baby along in the shopping cart, which was stuffed with disposable diapers, jars of Gerber, diet pop, and TV dinners. I rolled my cart full of canned goods and bottles of liquor next to her cart and parked it. She was filling a small produce bag with sour grapes. I didn’t need any fruit at my apartment–I subside mainly on condensed soup and Jim Beam–but I was so smitten with the blonde beauty that I had to pretend. Inspecting nearby melons, I casually wandered closer and closer to my unwitting crush. As I meandered towards her, I noticed a tiny stud in her left nostril, glistening with the light of the produce department. She was my kind of girl, the type that probably had pink hair and a bad attitude in high school. I began filling a plastic sack with cherries, not cognizant of the actions of my hands. My eyes and my mind were on only one thing: the stunning vision in front of me. She couldn’t have been over twenty-one, but the lines on her face showed a wisdom–a wisdom that probably came from raising a child at such a young age.

“Hi.” The angel’s song had come from over my shoulder. I spun around, probably much too quickly to seem as suave as I thought I was, and made the first eye contact. Her blue eyes shot daggers right into my own, and instantly I was awestruck. Unable to speak, I sent a smile and a nod in her direction. She opened her mouth to speak: her gorgeous pink lips, contrasting beautifully with her white face, lifted to show pearly, white teeth. “I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve really been stocking up on the cherries there.” For the first time, I looked down at the basket of my cart. I had filled four produce bags with bright red cherries. The gorgeous, pale-skinned maiden arched her golden eyebrow at me as I brought my eyes back upwards to hers.

“Yeah,” I assented. “I love cherries. Keep a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.” Did I actually say that? I did–but what did I mean by that? Obviously, living in isolation for three years had dulled my wits to the point where I could no longer think on my toes. I looked at the girl for any sign of disgust or distaste, but I received instead a wide grin and the sight of rosy, blushing cheeks.

She introduced herself as Kate, and I did the same. Then, when I realized what I had said, I introduced myself properly. My bumbling mistakes must have seemed like well-timed jokes to the girl, because she just wouldn’t stop smiling at me. I was in love with this girl already, and I had only known her for all of thirty seconds.

“Anyway,” she said, “the reason I approached you is that while you were busy grabbing fistfuls of cherries, you accidentally grabbed my baby’s pacifier from her mouth. It’s in one of those bags, and I wanted to know if I could get that back.” I was dumbstruck as I stuttered an apology and fished through the heaping bags of fruit. Eventually, I came upon the pacifier and plucked it from its red grave. The girl snatched the pacifier from my hand and thanked me with a smile. With that, she wandered away towards the deli with bawling child in tow.

I dumped the multiple bags of cherries back into their green bin and walked away, red with embarrassment. I quickly paid for my alcohol and soup, rushed out to my car, and sped away. While driving, I realized that the events such as the grocery store incident were the reason I live alone and only leave to work and shop. I got back to my slum of an apartment, locked and deadbolted the door, and went immediately to sleep.