Twit, Vol. 2

It has been about a year since I shared my Tweets with you on this entirely unrelated blog, and that means it’s time to do so again. Here is volume 1.

AND NOW, THE CONTINUATION. The jokes come fast and furious (which is to say that they come occasionally) at Leroy_Pitts’ Twitter, probably the only Twitter that had its name stolen from a tombstone!

Unlike Volume 1, this will just be an uncategorized Greatest Hits album from the last year of obnoxious Tweets. Be sure to read it now, or wait for the sitcom based on the book based on the Twitter called “Bleep My Bloop Blorps.” NOW, THE TWEETS.

Millions of fans can’t be wrong (except about Rocky Horror Picture Show)!

Every time I hear “Solsbury Hill” I get teary-eyed thinking about much, much better songs.

It takes years of dedication in the field of Not Flossing to get ruby red gums like these.

Remember, all cash donations to my wallet are tax deductible.

The Scott Pilgrim books are as short as they are good, which is to say they are “kind of” short.

In New Jersey you can’t pump your own gas but you can pump your own fist.

Hey CBS – there’s still time to turn my Twitter into a sitcom. It’s loosely based on a guy trying to make jokes.

“Jaws are responsible for all the wars in the world.” #MelGibsonAfraidOfSharks

Does it still count as carbo-loading if it’s an entire chocolate cream pie and also I never exercise?

If your left testicle is bigger than your right testicle, it means that you are more creative than logical.

There’s always two or three blank pages in the front of a book and it seems like a wasted opportunity that they are not made of toilet paper

John F. Kennedy’s secretary was named Tupac Shakur. Tupac Shakur’s secretary was named John F. Kennedy. Coincidence? #spooky

It seems like all the great artists did lots of drugs and had all sorts of anonymous sex…Andy Warhol, Norman Rockwell, Raffi…

You guys would tell me if I had a lazy eye, right? RIGHT? Hey, I’m talking to you, right there! And you, to the left and slightly down!

Always match your socks to your belt. Always match your shirt to your underwear. Everything goes with olive cargo shorts. Shoes optional.

Has anyone ever joked about Robotussin, which is like Robitussin for robots? If not, I plan to write it down and feel stupid later.

“When life gives you lemons, use them to freshen the stink out of your garbage disposal.” -Mother Teresa

Please don’t pass judgment until you hear all sides of the story, including the side I am lying about.

I can count the number of people whose hands I chopped off on eleven hands.

I do love knifing people; I’m just not IN love with knifing people.

The poop is in the pudding.

I like my coffee like I like my underwear – filled with granulated sugar.

Jesus, pastor! SAY the Lord’s Prayer, don’t SPRAY the Lord’s Prayer!

Pumped about Weezer next week; to save face, I tell all of my friends that I’m seeing The Rembrandts who have not lost their cred from 1994.

Good bread, good meat, good god I’m constipated!

Every day is Free Comic Book Day when you have a backpack and loose morals!

Proposed Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavor: Cherryet Tubman

Must have had the wrong idea. I started talking about old time political ideals and I got kicked right out of the Key Party meeting.

Just because I’m a man doesn’t mean I’m not more of feminist than all you dumb broads combined.

Studies now show that the triceratops is not a dinosaur, bringing into question the validity of 17 years of Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers.

Reason 1 Obama birth certificate is fake: if a birth certificate is printed on a Friendly’s menu, it is illegal to complete the crayon maze.

My favorite Radiohead song is “Peaches” by Presidents of the United States of America.

Velveeta is the proper cheese pairing for a 2010 vintage Fish Eye boxed red wine.

If you’re eating food with a spoon, someone hasn’t fried that shit correctly.

A man. A plan. A canal. Dungeons and Dragons.

Put that camera away! We don’t want to look like tourists in front of all these tourists!

Celebrities! Thought I saw Keanu Reeves but it was just a homeless woman sitting on a bench eating a shoe.

Well done, steak. Well done.

In the bathroom, where the urine flows freely like wine!

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world to drop their pants and cluck like chickens.

Either the barber’s hands or my head smelled like human feces. At this point, it will be hard to figure out which was the original source.

How come David Bowie’s singing voice gets better the older he gets, but I’m sounding more like Oscar the Grouch by the day?

I feel like my whole life has been a lie. Can somebody tell me what the real Australian word for “beer” is?

Considering training for the Harrisburg Marathon. Spending next five months filling little paper cups and handing them to random passersby.

Here’s a good rhyme: “Remember me” and “Decembery.” That one is free, @BonJovi

The weekly winner on The Biggest Loser should win a whole blueberry pie just for himself. Think of the moral quandry! Think of the mess!

The Wolfman from the movie The Wolfman is probably my second favorite Wolfman.

If you think “Legend of Zelda: Nipples of Fortune” is a terrible name, don’t fret. It will all make sense when you play the game.

NEW VIDEO IDEA: Two Girls, World Cup

Is Lady Gaga really a lady? Is Lady Gaga really a gaga?

In the land of the blind, the hideous disfigured man who oozes pus out of his facehole is tolerable.

What kind of training is necessary to earn the title “private dick?”

Which is the proper name: “Two Girls One Cup” or “2 Girls 1 Cup?” I need to know for my bibliography.

Think of all the changes in our world if we’d lost World War II. For starters, Mary Poppins would’ve probably been played by Hitler instead.

Fudge not lest ye be fudged.

LOST SPOILER: Who would have guessed that, after six seasons, they were on a magic island all along.

Proposed Ben & Jerry’s flavor inspired by Nirvana: “I Hate Myself and Want To Pie”

Everyone gives The Octomom a hard time, but I bet it’s extremely difficult to be an octoparent.

RIP, Ghost Whisperer. We hardly liked ye.

Now that Dwayne Johnson left his past behind, will Kid Rock take up The Rock’s cowl to fight jabronis?

When pooping is outlawed, only outlaws will poop.

Friday riddle: What has eight legs, frosted tips, and is willing to play your bar mitzvah? Give up? A: Smash Mouth

Why can a lady keep money in her bra, but I pull a few bucks out of my boxer-briefs’ wiener pouch and I’m lewd?

On the road of life, there are passengers and there are drivers and there are bicycles and there are skateboards and there are fruit stands.

A belch is just a burp with extra syllables.

ATTN: ADVERTISERS! At age 25, I still buy products because they have my favorite cartoon characters on the package.

This year’s Hitler’s Birthday is a bittersweet one for motorcycle enthusiast Jesse James. 😦

I wish there was a catchier way to say ”grandmother underpants.”BTW: yes, I won Dream Phone and yes, I have a date with Dale on Friday night!

Rectum?! I damn near anus!

Sphincter?! I hardly know her!

I had the most wonderful dream: they cancelled Ghost Whisperer and everyone involved in making it got real sick.

Early to bed, in a disguise, makes a man healthy, stealthy, and wise

If I have a gambling problem, why would I be OUTSIDE THE CASINO, begging for money and NOT GAMBLING?!

Playing The Sopranos slot machine and I think I won a scatter bonus for whacking Big Pussy.

FUN FACT: Before Octomom was a pop-culture sensation, she was a golden-age Batman villain.

If you have a PhD in poetry, it’s okay to ignore the calls of “Is anybody here a doctor?” at the restaurant.

The Catholic Church has canonized Ngoctu Jones, Nigerian Prince, in exchange for an unexpected inheritance!

I have the March crazies for college-level basketsport!

To help stimulate the American economy, I will buy only American cheese.

B4 my errand I had to do the fart dance, Spiderman-Kiss the dog, and sing abt pooping to tune of “The Longest Time.” Why is my fiance mad?

“Mounds” would be the best candy bar if it were actually a “3 Musketeers” instead.

If Eric Clapton hears an audience member singing along to “Tears In Heaven” badly, does it make the hurt worse?

What’s next for Oprah? You heard it here first: Pope-rah

Of all the jobs that pay more money than my job, “Writer for ‘Ghost Whisperer'” is the one that makes me the angriest.

Tonight’s episode of “The Ghost Whisperer” is brought to you by idiots.

I think for our wedding we’re going to register with the sex offender database.

The obvious next step from the Tuxedo T-Shirt is the Business Snuggie. But I have neither the knowhow nor the Snuggies to make it happen.

I like ordering the large-size mozzarella sticks, because it gives me six opportunities to wave something around hilariously like a phallus.

If you close your eyes and wish hard enough, you may just–oops, nevermind. You just soiled yourself.

Good news for fans of the television show “Ghost Whisperer!”: It is time to kill yourselves!

When you really think about it, pooping into a bowl of water and cleaning yourself with paper is pretty classy and elegant.

I’m probably going to be an adult for the rest of my life.

“She snorts when she laughs and she farts when she poops but she’s always a woman to me.”

I morally refuse to eat anything that has eyes. Please gouge out the eyes of any animal you feed me.

If I may quote Dr. King for a moment, “Your nose will stop bleeding if you stop picking it.”

While you’re at the Job Fair, be sure to ride the Job Carousel and eat some Job Cotton Candy.

If you try hard enough, there probably is a wrong way to eat a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup.

How many more movies until ”Skinny Black Guy Dresses As Overweight Woman” becomes a legitimate genre?

The good thing about Pantera is nothing.

Was scared I’d be working in a dead-end job until I die with nothing to show for it. But then I became employee of the month!

Supposed to snow 8 to 16 inches; or by my standards, we will accumulate anywhere from flaccid to boner.

Do humans have a legitimate capacity to enjoy the music of Feist?

I’ll wait to decide whether my office smells good until I know what this smell is.

Several people randomly followed me immediately after that last Tweet. Are they autosubscribing to posts about Catholicism or boobs?

Going to evade taxes this year. The IRS is going to have to hunt me down to give me my $500 refund.

Sorry, MC; it’s a quarter past hammertime.

Asked my nutritionist: how many calories are there in the average nosebleed? Also, will I gain weight if I eat my own hair?

Thought my January issue of Bon Appetit magazine came and was excited for some new recipes, but it was just my dog’s Bone Appetite magazine.

Trying to convince Rachel to buy every mirror in Ikea because of the gorgeous picture I see every time I look inside.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink poison.

My New Years Resolution is 1080p.

When it strikes 12:00am for the New Year, citizens of New Jersey drop a big bag of garbage from the roof of their tallest house.

“I see the problem,” he said before producing a bouquet and a ten-foot handkerchief. That was the last time I went to the clown proctologist

Do you think that Jesus gets real angry that his birthday always falls close to Christmas?

I thought I saw a Mitsubishi Miracle, but it was just a Mirage.

Thinking about getting thrown into prison for the free health care, which will come in handy when I am stabbed with a sharpened toothbrush.

Q: What would Hitler’s book be called if he wrote a Judy Blume story? A: Mein Cramps

If you want to trap a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, you need to start thinking like a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader.

Just got back from the off-brand candy outlet with some Whompers and a bag of Twazzles.

It reminds me of the old adage, “You can put pants onto a dog, but you can’t put a dog in pants.”

NEWS: It has now been scientifically proven that the songs from “Rent” are the worst songs ever written. LINK:

They do have “Hawaiian pizza” in Hawaii, except there they call it “disgusting.”

This one’s about something very near to my heart: my sternum.

I will not be allergic to your cake if it is filled with strawberries; I will only be allergic to your cake if it is filled with bees.

My sister: ”There are more green people in Star Wars than black people.”

I put the “fun” in “functional alcoholism,” and I put the “drunk” in “drunk at work.”

Ground control to Uncle Tom…

Opinions are like vaginas; slightly over fifty percent of people have them.

Toes by any other name would smell like feet.

It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to; cry if I want to; cry if I want to. You would cry too if your family was murdered.

You always hurt the ones you shove.

Defendant: “IS THIS NOT A COURT OF JUSTICE?!” Sbarro: “No, this is a court of food.”

Young Marcus Tiberius to his new step-pater-familias: “You’re not my real pater familias!”


2 Responses to “Twit, Vol. 2”

  1. amazing work, sir.. – going to have to share some of these over on FB.. – the “always hurt the ones you shove” reminds me of myself.. as I’m constantly changing out the word “love” for “shove” in pop songs.. – makes for a lot of funny.. especially The Beatles’ “She Shoves You” and Whitney Houston’s “How Will I Know if He Really Shoves Me?” haha

  2. remind me to never again read your twats at work. hilariousissimo

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: