Here is volume one of my bold literary compendium: Leroy Pitts, A Life In Tweets.

On mathematics: 2legit2legit2quit=8legit²quit

On business: My business is none of your business, and business is good (not yours).

On meringue: I beat my meringues like I beat my children: at sports.
I beat my meringues like I beat my children: until they hold stiff peaks.

On the Greats:  Labyrinth is one of the foremost David Bowie Muppet films of our time.

On Drunkula:  Drunkula–the vampire that staggers around trying to suck blood out of inanimate objects.
Btw Drunkula is friends with Frankenwine and The Rummy
Drunkula to frat boy: I VANT to DRINK your BUD!

On evolution: I’d imagine it won’t be long until humans evolve second, laser stomachs. This will aid in digestion of corn and diamonds.

On fine dining: And in the end, the lunch you take is equal to the lunch you make.
Phlegmon is is an inflammatory process with formation of pus. Filet mignon is a tender cut of beef. I can see how you’d be confused.
Red Robin serves their French Onion Soup on a doilie.
I like Babybel cheeses for many reasons, not the least of which is the little wax Pac-Man toy that comes with every piece!
My phone’s predictive text will only spell BURRITO in all caps, demonstrating my prior and ongoing lust for BURRITOS.
Diet Dr. Bob tastes more like regular Dr. Bob.
A sandwich is a sandwich, but a Mamwich is a typo.

On automobiles: My biggest fear as a hybrid owner is that people will confuse me for a Hybrid Owner.

On puppies: Who has two thumbs and loves puppies? EVERYONE!

On the animal kingdom: MYTH: Panda bears are the direct descendents of dragons. FACT: Panda bears are not dragons. They are not even bears.

On archived thoughts that were meant to be forgotten: Rachel just played a voice message from me, where I said, ”My wiener is made of tacos and my tacos are made of hot dogs.”

On modern medicine: You treat the lyme disease with the coconut disease.
Doctor, doctor, give me the news! I got a…BAD CASE…of meningitis!
The buttcrack can not be engorged; the buttcrack is the space between the two cheeks, which may or may not be engorged, depending.
A colostomy is like a tracheotomy for your butt.
Medical knowledge time! The best way to combat chronic heart failure is with a bit of chronic heart success.
What’s the difference between a Tourettes sufferer and a sports fan? The Tourettes sufferer doesn’t always like sports
Same the dramamine for your mamamine.

On learning your lesson: Fool me once: shame on you. Fool me twice: SHAME ON YOU!

On hate: Let’s hear it for racism and the racists that do it!

On inspirational phrases: A turd in the hand is worth two in the tush.
Every crowd has a silver lion.
Teach a man to fish, he will eat for a day. Turn a man INTO a fish, he will swim for a lifetime.
People who live in glass houses shouldn’t screw dogs.
I ate a man in Reno just to taste him die

On keeping it real: Sometimes we have to reevaluate our lives and say, “Maybe it’s okay just to be Normal Al Yankovich every once in a while.”

On consumerism: Target is my no. 3 favorite store to fart in.

On proud consumer products: My dollar-store tissues are “proudly made in the U.S.A.” Where are your tissues proudly made? Are they even made with pride?

On A+ donuts: Why are Krispy Kreme’s glazed rings such a hot ticket item? Clearly the superior donut is the angel-creme-filled.

On musical theatre: The Phaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan tom-of-the-op-e-ra is lame!

On health: Getting my blood sugar tested at work today. Good thing they aren’t testing my blood garlic, for it is through the roof.

On ancient history: Friends! Romans! Crunchy men! Lend me your ears!

On Spain: The rain in Spain falls mainly on the Spanish.

On music: This is what it sounds like / When doves cry / CAW CAW!
Step 1: Get it on. Step 2: Bang a gong. Step 3: Repeat.
It is clearly stated what he will not do for love in the song, invalidating all post-1992 Meat Loaf jokes.
STOP. Hammertoes.

On 14-year-old girls: Please get out of my face: it is where I keep my teeth. Copyright 2009, Happy Bunny.

On license plates: PA license plate OHH NANA. Presumably owned by a horny Pop Pop.
PA license plate GO EGLES. Clearly want me to stop eating eggs.

On wedding merriment: Apparently you can rent a game called ”Corn Hole” for your wedding.

On the occupation described as “removing the bones from slaughtered livestock for human consumption”: Being a boner is considered light work by the Dictionary of Occupational Titles.

On Sasquatch: Spell check wants to turn “Sasquatch” into “Sequatchie.”

On safe driving: I drove to work at either 16 or 91 miles per hour, depending on whether or not I was upside down at the time.

On “the double ation”: The Haitian crustacean of animation committed a probation violation at the celebration location.
The “double-ation” is a powerful literary device. I discovered that on my Croatian vacation.

On Bible-related sitcom pitches: Bible Sitcom 1: Moses and his people lose a bet w/ Pharoah. Now they have to be his slave for a week! Will he let them go? Hilarity ensues.
Bible Sitcom 2: Noah is stuck on boat with his nag of a wife & animals. He takes a shortcut, gets lost. Won’t he just ask for directions?
Bible Sitcom 3: Cliff Prodigal’s son is moving out. The sizeable going-away gift is spent on party. Can he forgive? A very special episode.

On the Renaissance Faire: Can describe the Renaissance Faire in two four-word phrases: ”I love turkey legs.” ”Fat ladies in corsets.”

On terrible telvision: Breaking: Jon Cryer horrifically injured, becomes disembodied head. Show changes title to 1 and 7/12 Men.

On murdersomeness: HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE A MURDERER–Have you murdered more than 0 people? Y N

On famous quotes: “Get busy living off granola bars, or get busy dying off granola bars.” -Morgan Friedman
“A man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn his back on the crowd.” -Adolf Hitler
”your boobies is a wonderland”–john mayor

On tough choices: Torn. I really want a donut, but on the other hand I really want two donuts.

On putting that into something and doing something with it: Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Put that in your ox and yoke it.
Put that in your pool and soak it.
Put that in your robe and cloak it.
Put that in your Facebook and poke it.
Put that in your fire and stoke it.

On rhyming: end-organ disease / courtesy of louise / on the board of trustees

On strange things I’ve typed into my phone before: Predictive text recognizes WIENERSPOON.

On birthdays: Too much cake. A man’s birthday is liable to become his girthday.
Too much happiness. A man’s birthday is liable to become his mirthday.
Too much boats. A man’s birthday is liable to become his berthday.
Too much crappy movies. A man’s birthday is liable to become his Colin-Firthday.

On hand dryers: “Electric hand dryers reduce paper waste.” Just the propaganda I’d expect from THE WORLD DRYER CORPORATION!

On Gogurt: Thank you, technology, for creating phallic plastic tubes of high fructose corn yogurt.

On Twitter: Twitter was a great innovation when it was created. The year was 1990. It was called “chat room.”


3 Responses to “Twit”

  1. Makes me miss you, sir.

  2. Not that you needed to “make me” miss you. I make that myself.

  3. […] It has been about a year since I shared my Tweets with you on this entirely unrelated blog, and that means it’s time to do so again. Here is volume 1. […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: