Archive for September, 2009

Tuesdays With Dorie – Chocolate-Crunched Caramel Tart

Posted in food on September 29, 2009 by uglydudefood

Tart dough. Homemade caramel. Honey roasted peanuts. Chocolate ganache. Pretty much, it’s a Snickers Bar Pastry.

It’s good. I especially enjoyed the pressed peanut sweepings. This might be the first time I’ve gotten this tart dough right, and I’m glad. And I’m glad I’m glad. Any questions? That’s too bad.

Tuesdays With Dorie – Cottage Cheese Pufflets

Posted in food on September 22, 2009 by uglydudefood

These things sounded pretty awful by name alone, and I’m pleased to say that they are not nearly as awful as they sound.

Rachel’s review: “These are a little bland. Oh wait…now I like them.” Score one for the underwhelmingly positive!

I thought they were just fine. I was successful, which is more than I could say about last week, and they were a nice, mildly sweet change of pace from the souffles from two weeks ago.

They didn’t all look this pretty. Most were not even close. This is my terrible shame.

Posted in food on September 17, 2009 by uglydudefood

I don’t know what to write anymore.

I used to write all the time. Long things, short things, silly things, slimy things. Now I write no things. I have my weekly requirement of writing two obnoxious sentences to go along with a picture of baked goods, but that takes no thought. In fact, the more thought that I put into my baking blurbs, the less successful they tend to be.

If you’ll allow me this indulgence, I’m going to turn my back on everything that my English professors ever tought me, and I’m going to be a little too straightforward.

THIS IS MY HYPOTHESIS: My lack of interest in writing is caused by changes in my life that are manifold: general happiness; lack of attention to reading materials and music; and availability of briefer, trashier communication.

THESE ARE MY SUPPORTING POINTS IN REGARDS TO MY FIRST SUBCATEGORY: I would say that I have seen a great increase in my quality of life over the past few years. I started seeing a swell lady; we moved in together and soon she will be my Bride of Frankenstein. I’ve started nourishing my body with this thing called “food,” and it’s opened up my eyes to a “Whole New World” (Aladdin) as well as an “Under the Sea” (The Littlest Mermaid). It was certainly easier when I was socially isolated all day, starving myself. I churned out pages of writing. Metric tons of literary gold just waiting to be rejected by third-rate college literary journals (which are printed on toilet tissue due to budgetary constraints). Now I am happy and rotund, a right jolly old elf. What the hell is there to write about? Beefsteak?

THIS IS A QUICK DEVIATION WHICH IS SOMEWHAT RELATED TO THE PREVIOUS PARAGRAPH: I would imagine that the bride of Frankenstein was a fairly normal young lady. She was probably a bit neglected while her husband spent all of that time in his secret laboratory, but she was a loving and kind woman. Eventually she would bear the Unloved Children of Frankenstein, and take up a hobby of emptying and collecting wine boxes. On the flipside, the bride of Frankenstein’s creature probably had very large hair with lightning bolts.

MY SECOND SUBCATEGORY IS SUPPORTED THUSLY: I can attribute this empty void in my head to the empty void in my ears and eyes. That is to say, I do not read books or actively listen to music anymore. When I did these things, I had the greatest literary device of all on my side: minor plagiarism. Sure, it’s wrong to copy paragraphs wholesale from literary masterworks, such as the Bible or “Cash” by Johnny Cash, but if you find a line or a word that you think is great, it’s really easy to circumvent copyright law with a few extra words or some mild paraphrasing. I can’t remember how many stories I have written that started with the sentence, “It was the best of times; it was the unbest of times,” but I’d reckon it was at least thirty.

CAPITAL LETTERS INDICATING THE OBTUSE NATURE WITH WHICH I INTRODUCE THIS THIRD AND FINAL SUPPORTING IDEA: Technology has done away with the space reserved for effective communication. Twitter has kept me from developing any ideas beyond 140 charac

IN CONCLUSION: There are many comparisons and contrasts to be made here. Thank you very much for reading.

IN CONCLUSION II: Forgive the clunkiness of my writing, as well as any nonsense. It’s been a while.

Tuesdays With Dorie – Flaky Apple Turnovers

Posted in food on September 15, 2009 by uglydudefood

That’s what I’m talking about!

Success is for suckers. I want so much butter to drip off of my pan that the smoke causes a building evacuation.

Mission accomplished.

I never did let these things finish, on account of the pending grease fire. Take my word for it, though. The half-done turnovers are pretty darn tasty, save for the smoky aftertaste usually reserved for beef sticks and cheeses.

Tuesdays With Dorie – Chocolate Souffle

Posted in food on September 8, 2009 by uglydudefood

I’ll be honest with you now. I have no idea what a souffle is. I don’t know what goes into it. I don’t know what it looks like. I don’t know how to put the proper accent mark above the final “e” in the word.

Most of all, I don’t know what constitutes a successful souffle.

With that disclaimer, I am here to proclaim my souffle a rousing success!

Since the souffle is a mystery to me, I’m operating under the assumption that my oversized mugs full of sweet, chocolatey eggcake casserole are proper and correct. They certainly taste good enough, at any rate.

Tuesdays With Dorie – Espresso Cheesecake Brownies

Posted in food on September 1, 2009 by uglydudefood

I’ve heard five people say “expresso” within the past week, and none of them was affiliated with TWD.

Keep it classy, TWD.