Adventures in Boozeysitting

I am a bit of a teetotaler.

Well, let me rephrase.

I am a militant teetotalitarian.  I’ve never once had alcohol in my life.  I’ve never been in a bar that didn’t begin with “salad” or end with “and grill.”  I look down upon the drinkin’-folk.  Those plebes, frittering away their evenings with relaxation and fun while I sit around refreshing Google Reader and being a miserable old coot!

Last night, I was in a bind.  Should I follow Dorie’s Twofer Pie recipe to the letter of the law and use “dark rum,” or should I use the dreaded ruuuuuuummmmmm extraaaaaaaact (conveniently located on the shelf next to my vodka extract and my beer extract)?  Well, listen.  I’m no dick.  I knew that Dorie would be HEAPING MAD if I took liberties with her time-tested pie.  So I took my first-ever trip…to the liquor store.

In Pennsylvania, you can not buy booze all willy-nilly.  You must go to the state liquor store.  I am an employee of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania.  I know about the bureaucracy.  Presumably, to buy alcohol at a state liquor repository, you need to fill out seven pages of forms.  Thankfully, this did not happen (although I certainly had time while I was waiting in line behind over a dozen people with questions about which box of fruit-wine really compliments a Hungry Man turkey dinner).

I felt like an outlaw pushing open those stupid, tiny doors at a saloon.  Except the door was automatic.  And instead of chaps and a bitching hat, I was wearing a Spider-man shirt.  Here I was, a 24-year-old CHILD, entering the hub of depravity in my small burg.  The legality of the whole affair didn’t make it feel any less dangerous.

I only needed two teaspoons of rum, so getting the $40 gallon jug was probably overkill.  I would have opted for the “fun-sized” bottles that they kept near the register, next to the baseball cards and the seasonal candy.  However, none of the bottles specifically said “rum.”  I don’t know Goldschlager from Guaro.  Of course, instead of asking I bought the $15 handle.

Now that I’ve used my two teaspoons, I’m at a loss.  What to do with all this booze.  Who likes rum?  Pirates like rum.  Coca Cola drinkers.  Tum-Tuggers.  Not I, and not my family.  Maybe my girlfriend.

I’m toying with the idea of throwing a “rum party,” although it seems like the rum would probably go pretty fast, and then what do I have left?  An empty bottle and a lot of uneaten, nasty Twofer Pie.

Also, because I don’t think I’m going to get the chance to insert it into another post, let me tell you a little bit about Drunkula.

Drunkula is a character I made up.  He is half vampire, half alcoholic.  His crippling alcoholism leads him to do stupid things, like wandering out in daylight, eating garlicky pasta, and biting the necks of department store manequins.  He hangs out with his good friends Frankenwine and The Rummy.

Please do not steal this idea.*  I currently have a script in the works utilizing this character, and I’d hate for its chances of big-budget production (nil) to be ruined.

In conclusion, alcohol.  It is a beverage of great comparisons and contrasts.

I wrote this post while watching an episode of House.  He’s both a doctor and a building!

*I stole portions of this idea from a friend.


9 Responses to “Adventures in Boozeysitting”

  1. You can make rum balls.

    You can make vanilla with it. Pour your rum in a quart canning jar, split 2 vanilla beans in half. Scrape out all the yummy goodness and plop in the rum. Add the beans. Put the lid on, give it a shake.

    Shake it about once a week for 3 months. After that……voila…vanilla.

    The longer you let it sit, the better it is.

  2. I’m with Chocolate Chic – rum balls are awesome or make your own vanilla.

    Buying alcohol in PA is a total pain – that’s why we went to Delaware to stock to bar for the wedding!

  3. Give the rum to your woman. She’ll be a lot more lax with those silly “morals” us girls are carting around at any given time. Think rimjob.

  4. hey bro i can suggest a delicious dinner with WINE that you might like, it’s mushroom & bacon risotto with arborio rice. i can email you that business if you like.

    it’s pretty yum, but could you handle another trip to the grog shop? whenever i buy wine to make this i buy little sachets of wine to make it obvious it is ONLY FOR COOKING but last night i bought a whole cheap bottle for my housemates to drink, i wanted to say to the dude at the counter “THIS IS NOT FOR ME! it is for cooking!”

  5. Another option: send the rum to your sailor friend MacDuff, who will find MANY ways to dispense of it.

    And if you don’t drink, rum balls don’t count. There’s alcohol in them. And anything “balls” sucks. It just sucks balls.

    Can you tell it’s Monday? I’m cranky.

  6. I came looking for your Linzer Sable cookies and got a great read instead. I’m sitting here at my desk and I’m sure the goofy non-talking coworker next to me must be wondering what the hell I’m LOL about… but since he’s non-talking, he doesn’t dare ask. Good thing cuz it would be difficult to articulate better than you about your rum party ending up with only an empty bottle and a lot of uneaten, nasty Twofer Pie. LOL for sure!

  7. Rum will keep just about forever, so you don’t have to use it up right away. You can get a bunch of vanilla beans, and make your own extract. Or, you can make this easy cake, which I guarantee people will RAVE about. Every time I make it, someone asks me for the recipe. It’s embarrassingly easy:

  8. HA! I just saw that another commenter posted the same cake recipe. I have to tell you that the recipe was indeed put out by Bacardi back in the sixties, I believe, to get people to use their rum. They deserve the credit, mad geniuses that they are, because the cake is awesome.

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