Arts and Farts and Crafts: Muggyver

Arts and Farts and Crafts is a weekly artistic challenge. Every Thursday, a new prompt will be posted here on Ugly Food for an Ugly Dude. Then, you will create some sort of media based on the prompt. Is it a rhyming couplet? A ten-page story? A photograph? A drawing? A recipe? Whatever you’d like. As long as your piece of art is a new creation and it’s vaguely inspired by the week’s prompt, it’s in!

To enter, post your entry on your blog. Then, e-mail me at with a link to your entry. I will then make a round-up post sharing your art on my website, as well as the requisite linkage.

This week’s theme?

You are stuck somewhere. Situation: Sticky air, dry gum, paper clips, and an explosion. MacGyver your way out of this situation.

Not a lot to work with, right?  Right.  I decided to leave out the explosion, because honestly it would be easy to just blow up some walls and be done with it.  So what do I have?  Gum and paper clips.  Guess I’ll be writing more about the “stuck” part than the MacGyver part, as much as I love a good MacGyver.

First off:  I apologize for any scatological references.  This is what happens when I (an immature mid-twenties male) freewrite.  There will be poo.

Second off:  this may be the worst thing I’ve ever written.  I apologize for that, too.  There’s a certain point (about three words into the story) where I decided to purposely write poorly.

Hey!  Nobody reads these anyway!  They just come for TWD posts!


Here I sit.
Came to shit.
Then the entire outhouse imploded on itself.

Was that what you were expecting. Sorry. I don’t rhyme. Rhyming is for idiots. I went to the bathroom in this backwater burg and next thing I knew I was ten meters into the ground. Not a lot of stuff to do when you’re in a narrow tunnel of human waste, I’ll tell you what.

And then I started sinking. Great. Wonderful. I had to decide: should I struggle and try to pull myself up; or, should I stay as still as possible to avoid sinking lower? I asked myself, what would Indiana Jones do? He’d pull himself up via snake, I answered. I asked my devotional bracelet, what would Jesus do? My bracelet didn’t have any answers. It’s the one asking the questions around here.

It certainly did smell.

I reached into my pocket. A pack of gum. I reached into my other pocket. Nothing. I reached into my other pocket. Nothing. I reached into my other pocket. Nothing. I reached into my other pocket. Nothing. I reached into my other pocket. A couple paper clips. Terrific. What would I do with bubble gum, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, and paper clips? And why did I need so many pockets?

Wikipedia tells me that cargo pockets generally have accordion folds in the sides for increased capacity, and often have large flaps secured with snaps or velcro. They are used on battledress or sport hunting clothing for carrying maps, compasses and other equipment in an easily accessible way. This is all well, and this is all good, but how will that help me in my current predicament?

It won’t, but it will help me meet a word count.

Thanks, Wikipedia!

Have I established that I had many pockets? And that they were empty? They were. So empty. What’s the point of having six cargo pockets if I do not carry anything useful in them? Where was I again? Oh yes, in the bog of eternal stench. It was a dark and stormy night. Very dark. Very stormy.

I sank and I sank and I sank. Eventually, I was in over my head. Literally. I held my breath. And I sank and I sank and I kept sinking. I kept holding my breath, too, of course.

About two years later, I emerged from the ground. Where was I? I was in China. I had sunk the whole way through the world. Neat! I went to a local businessman’s house, and I paid him bubble gum and paper clips so that I could take a shower. Then I began my long walk home.

The End.

More entries may come in–at the very least, a late effort from Nichole.  I’ll be at the beach until Sunday, so I won’t be updating or returning comments!  If you played along this week, please comment as such on this post.

For next week:  a prompt.

Take a photograph (or find a preexisting photograph).  Use that as your own prompt.  Submit the original photo plus the entry it inspired.

Entries can be submitted in any medium. The end-date for submissions is Thursday August 7. Be sure to notify me at!

3 Responses to “Arts and Farts and Crafts: Muggyver”

  1. SO not true! Granted, it was the TWD posts that caught my attention, but then I RSS’d you. I hope you don’t feel too violated.

    So far, I’ve been intimidated by your prompts. Someday I’ll be drunk enough to take them on, and you’ll be dazzled by my wit. I’ll do anything to impress George Clooney.

  2. the bog of eternal stench! – awesome reference, sir!

  3. I miss you, man. I deeply lament my not managing to cobble together weekly submissions, but I shall try to hop back on the bandwagon with the utmost haste.

    I will forever be amazed at your ability to wield poop jokes as deftly as you do.

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