THE BEEFSTEAK CHRONICLES: Wherefore art thou BEEFSTEAK?

Phase one of Operation Beefsteak is complete.

That’s right, Operation Beefsteak.

Ever since last year, I have been infatuated with the cut of meat mysteriously called “Beefsteak” at our school’s dining halls. The name itself is pretty bizarre–if you have a cut of beef, it’s a steak. If you order something called steak, you’ll be receiving a cut of beef. Now if the mystery meat in question were a chicken steak, which I’ve seen on menus, the prefix would be understandable, even necessary. The holy name of Beefsteak, however, is downright ridiculous and redundant.

As far as the senses go, Beefsteak is a rare and exotic treat. Aesthetically bearing an eerie similarity to “country fried steak,” it is obvious that this cutlet has been fried in a delicious, golden-brown batter. When biting into a piece of Beefsteak, however, all similarities to country fried steak go right out the window. Beefsteak is a flavor adventure that needs to be experienced to be believed. So many adjectives are running through my brain right now to describe beefsteak, and not a one will make sense to you unless you’ve tried it. Here are some of these adjectives, in order of vividness and chronological recall. Smooth. Tasty. Melty. Beefy. Steaky. Popsicles. Delicious. You will have to trust my word of honor that each and every one of these words embodies the flavor and spirit of Beefsteak.

And this brings us to Operation Beefsteak. I’ve only had the exquisite pleasure of eating Beefsteak once, and it was in my first semester of Freshman year. It is high time that change come a-knocking on the glass doors of our dining establishments. Today began a campaign that was long in the making. Bring back Beefsteak, Dining Services, and make it often.

DAY ONE:

Today was a preemptive strike on the other side’s home front. I posted a comment on the comment board that is to be taken very seriously. This is a transcription of the comment.

Dear Kriner Staff:

It would be much appreciated if you could make Beefsteak a permanent menu fixture.

Tomorrow is the big day, the day when I see what their response is. It will be posted on the board when Nick and I go in for lunch.

If my suggestion is met with indifference, disdain, or anger, it is time for true action to be taken. I will write an increasingly inventive series of letters to the Dining Staff to promote Beefsteak Awareness on campus.

Some suggestions that I will use:

  • The National Beefsteak Alert must be posted on every door in the dining halls. One example is this.
  • A fun-filled “Fact or Fiction?” chart about Beefsteak. Here is an example.

    FICTION: Beefsteak is bad for you.
    FACT: Beefsteak is a victimless crime.

  • Obviously this is a hot button topic here on campus. More to come as this develops.

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